Baltimorons, this has been a delightful season so far. But, despite moments of unquestionable brilliance, we still find ourselves heading into the playoffs questioning our team, our selves, and frankly, a good deal of what we can remember from last weekend. One thing we are NOT questioning, however, is the fact that the nickname episode (EPISODE 88: 2014 ORIOLES NICKNAME AUDIT (AKA INSPECTOR SOUL PATCH) is already woefully out of date. Rosters change, and the Orioles Roster changes faster than many, so we are now happy to bring you an Orioles nicknames update so we can all go into the playoffs knowing what to scream at whom, when.
Starters
- Alan: Gomer Pile, David Stephan Norris
- Sam: *Beans. “Id love to eat some BEANS”
- Obvious Mistakes: “… A… Ace?”
- The Ace of Beans
- Tautology (on the grounds that his nickname is Beans and… man, he LOOKS like someone who REALLY likes BEANS)
- Alan: Prince – the artist – despite being a star, at 5 ft. 2. is quite short – about, in fact, the average length of Tillman’s alleged “starts”
- Sam: Till the thrill (from Will Clark, Will the Thrill)
- Obvious Mistakes: Good god we were wrong about this. You all really shouldn’t listen to anything we have to say.
- Alan: Ol’ Bald Jim
- Sam: optimistically went with Natty Doh, assuming he would become a Baltimore institution
- DEPOSED – frankly, the less said about this the better.
New! – Kevin Gausman
- Alan: The Gauss Rifle, Doughnuts
- Sam: Gausmania
- Obvious Mistakes: The Wizard of Gaus
- Alan: YES WEI CHEN!
- Sam: the Chentertainer
- Alan: The Ice Man, Big Game Gonz.
- Sam: Gonzo – which implies crazy, despite him being fairly even keeled.
Relievers
- Alan and Sam: *The round mound of zone pound.
- Alan: DrainO, for unclogging a nasty jam (corporate sponsorship tie ins?)
- Sam: Bananas
- Alan: The Auditor (born in clearwater, home of scientology)
- Sam: The Deceiver
- Alan: Six of one, half dozen of the other (sixth MLB team)
- Sam: meekaboo
- Obvious mistake: JeterBait, the meek shall inherit the runners
- Alan: The Hat. All Hat, no Cattle.
- @BirdsEyeViewBal: Josh “Short Stint” son (Birds eye view)
- Sam: “of a Bitch!!”
- DEPOSED
- Alan and Sam: *Matusfaction,
- Also: George Michael Bluth,
- Alan: *Bubbles. Lay back and think of Britton
- @OriolesSpastics: For Britton Eyes Only
- @section336: Great Britton
- Sam: Queen B.
New! – Brad Brach
- All: Chicken. Or, only to be screamed in a chicken-type voice: BRAD BRACH
New! – Preston Guilmet
- Alan: The Guillotine
- Sam: Mr. Met
New! – T.J. McFarland
- Alan: Mehfarland
- Sam: The man from Mc Far Land
- @BirdseyeviewBal: ‘Stache
New! – Andrew Miller
- Sam: Much the Miller –
- Alan: Miller Lite
- All: High Life
New! – Joe Saunders
- Alan: What’s the matter with Texas?
Editors note: Troy Patton was not on the roster for the first session, and is not on the roster now. He has not even been useful enough to the Orioles to be given a nickname in PASSING here. DEPOSED.
Infielders
- @anotherjenadams: Bible Belter
- Sam: Davis Staples (swing as sweet as Mavis Staples?)
- DEPOSED (Idiocy)
- Alan: Roberts^2
- Sam: Fresh!
- @Gwozdzilla: Schoop’s full name is Jonathan Rufino Jezus Schoop. With that name, who needs a nickname??
- @Claudecat17: Flying Dutchman
- Alan: Soul Patch which only really gets good when you replace the “hole” in the infield with the “soul patch”. as in, the ball is hit into the soul patch, and he flips it to second to start the double play…
- Sam: the inspector
- @anotherjenadams: Inspector Soul Patch.
- @OriolesSpastics: Mr. F
- @BalSportsReport: Flash
- Alan: Flaherty Cat
- Sam: Fly rye
- Obvious Mistake: He’s still on the Roster…
- Alan: Lombardozzimandias, King of Kings.
- Sam: No doze.
- Member – TEAM STEVE!
- DEPOSED
- Alan: Fire hydrant. STEVE PEIRCE!
- Sam: Ambrose
- Member – TEAM STEVE!
- Obvious mistake: Torque! Batman!
New! – Manny Machado
- Alan: Hakuna Machado. really like this one, though it is clearly not ours.
- DEPOSED (DL)
- @BirdseyeviewBal: “Sir”
New! – Kelly Johnson
- Alan: Joint, as in – passed around like a….
New! – Jimmy Paredes
- Grand Master, Grandmaster Flash
- Also, apparently, “Par-a-dees!” chanted as though you were saying “Her-c-les!” a series of times is eminently satisfying.
Outfielders
- @OperationHagy David “Yolo” Lough
- Alan: YOBO (you only bat once, because you’ve come in as a defensive replacement in the 7th inning. And frankly, given Cruz’s bat and the state of our bullpen, maybe not even then.)
- Sam: God’s Loughnly Man
- @anotherjenadams: Bolo, as in the Tie
- @NickInMotion: “Cruz”in’ USA!
- Alan: Horatio
- Sam: *Sedan
- Obvious Mistakes: Cruz Missile, MVP
- Alan: The good Doctor (Dr. Jones).
- Sam: Jonsy. The Tawny Port of center fielders.
- Obvious Mistakes: The Mayor of Baltimore
- Alan: Patty Cakes
- Sam: Last year was Griz, evolution to GRITS. Every good breakfast starts off with a bowl of Grits!
- Obvious Mistakes: Banana Slap-dick, Sampson.
- Alan: Del the junky homosapien.
- Sam: The Del-Raiser
- Obvious Mistakes: Donatello, due to his uncanny resemblance to the Ninja Turtle of the same name.
- Alan: Ali-D
- Sam: Aza Does It
- Obvious mistake: Neither of these are any good.
Catchers
- Alan: GDIP
- @Birdseyeviewbal: *Matty Backstops
- Sam: wheat tease. Offense.
- DEPOSED (DL)
- Alan: Pop’s Clevinger (Pride of Pigtown)
- Sam: Clevy Chase.
- Member – TEAM STEVE!
- DEPOSED
New! – Caleb Joseph:
- Alan: 50 cent (based on his batting average)
- Joe-Thank You,
- Caleb and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
- Obvious mistake: @Gwodzilla: Caleb Throwseph
New! – Nick Hundley:
- Alan: Bundles.
- Sam: Todd. Hunderpants. The Todd-Father
- Obvious Mistakes: @Gwodzilla: Atilla the Hundley
