In case you’ve been living under a rock or for some odd reason don’t love the Washington Capitals, you’ve probably heard that Evgeny Kuznetsov is officially coming to join the Capitals. He is expected to be here as soon as Saturday, and could make his NHL debut as soon as Monday against the Pittsburgh Penguins. My love for Evgeny Kuznetsov is not a secret. While he won’t fix the Capitals defense, he will be a very good forward and hopefully be the elusive left wing to pair with fellow Russian Alex Ovechkin.
In honor of Evgeny Kuznetsov finally coming to play for the Capitals, I’ve written a parody song for him. It is to be sung to the torture tune of Bruce Springsteen’s version of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. If you enjoy masochism or feel like wanting to cut off your ears with a rusty saw, here’s a recording of it:
(SPOKEN PART) It’s all cold down in the DC, the wind’s whipping down the phonebooth… Hey Caps! (Yeah? Hey, babe!) You guys know what time of the season it is? (Yeah!) What time, huh? What? (Kuzy time!) What? (Kuzy time!) Oh, Kuzy time! You guys all, you guys all been good and playing real hard? Yeah? Braden, you been, you been fighting real hard now, so Kuzy’ll bring you a new good defense, right? Everybody out there been good, or what? Oh, that’s not many, not many, you Caps are in trouble out here! Come on!!!!!
Crosby better watch out
He better not cry
He better not pout, and I’m a-tellin’ you why
Kuznetsov is a-comin’ to town
Kuznetsov is a-comin’ to town
Kuznetsov is comin’ to town
He’s coming via plane,
Don’t make such a fuss,
He’s a-gonna find out
Who’s a minus and plus
Kuznetsov is a-comin’ to town
Kuznetsov is a-comin’ to town
Kuznetsov is comin’ to town
He’ll deke you if you’re sleeping,
Still scores if you’re awake
Don’t care if you’ve been bad or good
So don’t try for goodness sake!
OH! Claude/Henrik/insert hated hockey player here better watch out
He better not cry
He better not pout, and I’m a-tellin’ you whyyyyyyyy
Kuznetsov is a-comin’ to town
Kuznetsov is a-comin’ to town
Kuznetsov is comin’ to town
END
Evgeny Kuznetsov will be coming to town THIS SATURDAY (maybe)! So be sure to leave out some borscht and kvass out for him!
