I was on eBay the other day selling my old iPhone when it dawned on me that we are due for another Great Baltimore Yard Sale. Given the holidays coming up, it’s never too early to get a jump on buying a white elephant gift that will test your family/office’s rules for how many times a single item can be discarded back to the pile.

Last time I hunted solely on eBay, but this time I thought it made sense to diversify and scour the less-beaten paths of the giant mall that is the Internet. As always, buyer beware.

Ravens 6-piece Family Decal Set ($4.79)
I’m not really sure when this happened, but someone should pinpoint the day that these car decals became popular and find out which butterfly flapped its wings to cause this from spreading. I’m anti-vehicle sticker in the first place, but this seems like a very odd ritual to just have icons for each person and animal in your family. “This is how many bags you’ll need, Mr. Highway Serial Killer!” Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids that this impulse escape me. How lame would it be to just put the dad and mom sticker on my wife’s Passat?

Ravens yarmulke ($18.95)
Can someone of the faith please email me and let me know if this is completely insane or completely acceptable? Perhaps this is the wrong time to ask, but doesn’t $19 seem a bit steep?

Sports Illustrated May 2nd, 1988 ($2.99)
This is the second greatest photo of Billy Ripken holding a bat in circulation.

Orioles pop-up hamper ($11.21)
These Orioles ones are always so sad to find. Every item seems to carry a greater significance and underlying message about what the Orioles have represented the last decade and a half. Soil away!

Maryland Terps etched crystal ball ($50.95)
Again with the physical metaphors! If Randy Edsall looks in this thing, what does he see, exactly? Because if we’re going to lose AT Temple on September 8th, 2012, I would like to know well in advance so I can find a new school to root for.

Donte Stallworth #18 Ravens Jersey – Black ($25.00)
This is a pretty great item if you want to commemorate Stallworth’s 2-catch 2010 season after he killed a guy with his car. I am so tempted to send an eBay question to the seller saying, “so…why are you selling?” The good news on this item is that returns are accepted within 7 days, so once you come out of your fugue state and realize you bid on a Donte Stallworth jersey, you should be able to return it.

Ravens something something dear god ($55)
Okay, perhaps some of our female readers (or writers) can help me out here. Perhaps this is just a bad photo, but this seems to be the worst fashion accessory I’ve ever seen. I had to look at it for a while and crane my neck, THEN read the description twice and ask aloud “what IS that?” This thing looks like some sort of therapeutic art produced from a facility that houses deranged Ravens fans. The seller has the audacity to say that the “total MSRP” on this is $125. The best part is this HAS A BID! Today, at some point, someone is going to own this thing. Please be on the lookout. If you don’t identify the person right away, just listen for the crazyperson blowing the whistle on their necklace.

Steve McNair #9 Pink Ravens jersey ($24.99)
Another one for the ladies. My theory is that someone wore this as one of the most offensive Halloween costumes of all time, and they are unloading it on eBay to wash their hands of it. Items like this should just be automatically mailed to third world countries along with those Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl XLV Champions t-shirts.

On to some non-eBay merch…

Baltimore Grand Prix commemorative Christmas Ornament ($10.95)
Aw, and you can customize it! Mine’s going to read “Danica.” This site puts a wildly positive spin on the BGP:

The Baltimore Grand Prix was a HUGE success! Ornaments & More is lucky enough to be located in the same city with this thrilling race. Many thanks to the people of Baltimore, Maryland for hosting this Indy Car race. If you were there, you will never forget the roar of the engines and the inches measured between cars on turn one.

What kind of Christmas ornament store IS this?! I’m surprised this one doesn’t read “$1.5 Million or best offer”. If the Grand Prix contract is terminated by the city, this really will be a collector’s item.

Tudor Electric Football set – Ravens vs. Redskins ($100)
I can see why people who are just really into sports kitsch love these tabletop electric football sets. I remember discovering one of these in my attic when I was about 11 and could not contain my excitement. It was amazing. Keep in mind this when football video games weren’t much better than Tecmo Bowl, so my brain hadn’t been completely fried. My dad gleefully explained to me how it worked, and showed me what happened when you plugged it in and turned it on. “So, they just buzz around, huh? Hmm, so how do you pass the ball? Oh, I see. And, what happens when the guy just spins in a circle? Ah. Okay, well, cool.” I really hope this guy got a hundred bucks for this. Look at that little Trent Dilfer under center. That’s art, baby.

Ravens tix for?
I really hope when he says “wheel horse” he means a tractor.

55″ LG LED TV a week old and 2 free Ravens vs Cincy tickets ($875)
If you buy this dude’s TV, he’s going to give you his Ravens tickets. I’m not totally sure how that math works out, but more power to him.

 

I think we’ll end there for this time. Just a fair warning if you go searching terms like “Ravens” on Craigslist: never underestimate the creepiness of Craigslist. Apparently, in the “hookups” section, people often include things like “Go Ravens!” and “Ravens beat the Steelers!” in their posts to either a) prove their posting is not spam, or b) they just really like the Ravens, or c) both. Some things you can’t unsee. Search wisely, folks.

 

Dave Gilmore lives in Baltimore and writes “The Win Column” for Baltimore Sports Report.  He is currently working on a novel about college football.  Find him on Twitter @dave_gilmore or visit his web site at davegilmorejr.com