The Orioles’ recent demotion of Henry Urrutia has once again raised the troublesome question of who in the ever-loving blazes is going to serve as a competent designated hitter for the Orioles in 2013.
That, however, is not the only troubling issue regarding Urrutia’s brief and puzzling tenure in the O’s lineup. Thankfully, Baltimorons’ unpaid staffer Scotty D. Intern has done some digging, and come up with the long-awaited answers to these quandaries:
- Q: What do you call Henry Urrutia when he is eating cubes of bread dipped in a warm cheese sauce?
A: Henry Fondue-rrutia.
- Q: What do you call Henry Urrutia when he is learning to speak Tibetan in the mountains of Nepal?
A: Henry Kathmandu-rrutia.
- Q: What do you call Henry Urrutia when he is main-lining a sickly green-colored beverage in an attempt to pull an all-nighter?
A: Henry Mountain Dew-rrutia.
- Q: What do you call Henry Urrutia when he decides to learn how to play a musical instrument during a period of self-discovery in college?
A: Henry Didgeridoo-rrutia.
- Q: What do you call the number of times Henry Urrutia managed to pull the ball to right field during his brief tenure in Baltimore?
A: Henry Two-rrutia.
The Baltimorons are grateful, as we’re certain you are, that Scotty was able to get to the bottom of these difficult questions. We are also, however, confident that he missed a few, as he is not only stupid, but also not compensated financially for his work on our show, so he has limited time to spend on the tasks we assign him between overnight shifts at Royal Farms. Please let us know if there are other Urrutia Inquiries you would like answered, either here in the comments or at firstname.lastname@example.org.