Raw begins with John Cena coming to the ring. Shocker. He talks about how Jericho was right when he said Cena has never been in Money in the Bank. Apparently him being attacked by Jericho and Big Show helped prepare him for Money in the Bank, and he wants to thank them. That’s incredibly weak. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!! Daniel Bryan comes out shouting and makes his way to the ring. No entrance music. Just him yelling YES! Loved it. Cena makes a joke and says that Bryan agrees with him. Bryan makes a better joke and said “actually Cena, I didn’t even know you were out here.” Bryan says he will beat Punk for the title, and then Cena will be the first guy to cash in and lose. CM Punk comes out. He steals Bryan’s line. He asks everyone if they disagree with Daniel and they all yell yes. Cena says yes and Jerry Lawler picks up a mic and says yes. Punk asks if the guy in the stands selling popcorn disagrees with Bryan. Unfortunately there isn’t a camera shot of a guy with popcorn and a microphone yelling yes. Damn. That could have been the greatest thing ever. Bryan begs everyone to have an original thought and stop stealing his catch phrase.
Chris Jericho comes out. He says people have been stealing his catch phrases forever. Then he says “isn’t that right Mr. Best in the world.” Which of course was directed at Punk. Punk fires back quickly and says “Yes Bon Jovi.” That made me lol. Jericho tells Bryan he needs more catch phrases. Then in a prelude to his face turn he spits off some of his catch phrases. “Welcome to Raw is Jericho.” “Things will never eeeeeeever be the same again.” It’s been awhile since we’ve heard that stuff. Pyro explodes as Jericho has his finger in the air. He freezes as Kane makes his way down the aisle. His finger is still in the air when Kane hits the ring. That mad me lol too.
Big Show’s music hits. Before he gets to the ring Bryan attacks Cena. That brings on a full out brawl. Big Show finally makes it into the ring and takes everyone out. He is the only guy standing as he exits the ring. Predictable and weak build up for the PPV matches. If I would have known that it was all to put over Big Show once again as a dominant force, I would have chose not to watch it. Everyone is sick of Big Show. WWE writers need to get over it. Just like Laurinaitis, people aren’t booing Big Show because he’s a good heel. They are booing him because he’s stale and boring. We’ve had this same angle shoved down our throats for the last two years. First with Mark Henry and now with Big Show. They are literally the same character. #Raw is trending on Twitter.
Darren Young, Titus O’Neil, David Otunga, and Cody Rhodes w/ AW vs. United States Champion Santino Marella, Intercontinental Champion Christian, and Tag Team Champions Kofi Kingston and R-Truth- Ummm ok. That’s a random gigantic match. The face team involves all of it’s pointless champions. Each of them needs to drop them asap. With the exception of maybe Christian. He puts on good matches. Christian and Young start. Christian counters a slam and slaps Young in the face. He’s Irish whipped into the corner and gets his legs up. Missile drop kick off the top rope by Christian. Tag to R-Truth. I guess he’s finally healthy again. Truth is whipped off the ropes and stops to dance. Kofi comes in with a springboard flying clothesline off an Irish whip. He suicide dives O’Neil and Young through the ropes. That’s a commercial spot.
Back from commercial Rhodes has Kofi in a submission hold. He tags in O’Neil. Apparently Abraham Washington has a mic on. He’s cheering on his clients while the whole crowd can hear him. Pretty stupid. I usually like uniqueness, but that’s stupid. Body slam by O’Neil, because his arsenal doesn’t exist of much more. Hot tag to Santino. He does some weak moves before everyone hits the ring. The heels are dumped to the outside. AW, O’Neil, and Young head up the ramp. They are leaving. Santino hiptosses Otunga. He misses the saluting fist drop. Otunga tries to tag Rhodes, but Rhodes walks out. Otunga is now by himself.
Brodus Clay’s music hits. Otunga dives out of the ring away from Santino’s Cobra. Clay tosses Otunga back in the ring. Cobra by Santino. 3 count. Thank god that match is over. Christian hits the Killswitch on Otunga. Clay hits a running splash. In comes the Funkadactuals as everyone dances. Clay, the ladies, the faces, and a bunch of stupid kids that are allowed in the ring. Gag me. Me and RoadDogg start arguing on Twitter. He says Santino is the best character on the roster right now. I told him that nobody over 11 years old would agree with him on that. He responded that everyone has an opinion. I can’t hate on RoadDogg. I want him and Billy to make an appearance together on the 1,000th episode with DX.
Teddy Long is in the back dancing. Gag me. Alberto Del Rio comes in with Ricardo Rodriguez. He asks Teddy to give him another title shot. Teddy says that the Board of Directors has decided that he is the #1 contender for the title at Money in the Bank. Long also puts Del Rio in a match against a surprise opponent. It better not be The Great Khali.
Raw greatest moments video. It’s Stephanie McMahon’s favorite. She talks about the training videos that Vince and Shane McMahon did together in preparation for a match with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Very funny stuff. Vince yells “I hate Austin!!”
Alberto Del Rio w/Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Sin Cara- I believe this is the first time they’ve worked each other. Awesome. Sin Cara dives in the ring and is immediately kicked by Del Rio. Del Rio viciously attacks him and throws him straight into the turnbuckle. Sin Cara bumps to the outside floor and is attacked again. Cross Arm Breaker by Del Rio on the outside floor. The match never happens. End of segment. Calm down people. A new feud just began. They are going to build Del Rio vs Sin Cara for Summerslam. It will probably start the show and be great.
AJ is in the back. She is wrapping up her wrist tape which has a straight edge X on it. Daniel Bryan comes up behind her with a rose. He apologizes to her. If you missed Smackdown, AJ is now the special referee in his match with Punk at Money in the Bank. AJ says “that was so sweet.” Bryan says “yeah it was.” Third lol of the night for me. AJ tells Bryan that he never cared about her. She said she will run into the arms of Punk tonight. AJ bites the head off of the rose and spits it in his face. Then she walks away. She tried to skip away, but there wasn’t enough room. She bit the flower because she’s ccccrrrraaazzzzyyyy! By the way, nothing but #Raw has trended tonight. So nobody has been watching this crap lately.
Paul Heyman is live via satellite. He has a big gimmick bruise on his face. Heyman says Lesnar has an answer for Triple H. He also says that Lesnar will answer it face to face on the 1,000th episode. Heyman says Triple H wants to face Lesnar as an exit strategy. After Lesnar destroys Triple H he will never have to wrestle again. He can go on to be a father and business man. He will go down in a blaze of glory as a hero. Heyman says it won’t be a match, it will be a mercy killing. That segment was a little weird because they accidentally left the crowd sound up. So you heard random chatter throughout. They finally turned it off half way through, and it got really quiet. From that point on it was solid. Heyman is money on the mic.
Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero vs. World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus and AJ- Another random and pointless match. Vickie Guerrero introduces herself as “Queen Diva” before she introduces Ziggler. I’m bored. Vickie pushes AJ to start. She jumps at Vickie but is caught by Sheamus. She looks at Sheamus funny. Sheamus and Ziggler start the match. Waist lock by Ziggler countered into a waist lock by Sheamus. Headlock by Ziggler after the escape. Sheamus back elbows him in the face. Sheamus charges Ziggler but is drop kicked. Sheamus launches Ziggler in the air after a seperation. Ziggler guillotines his arm off the rope from the outside apron. Running big boot on the apron to Sheamus’ face as he is hung over the ropes. Nice spot. Chin lock by Ziggler to slow the pace. Sheamus fights out with an arm drag. Ziggler runs at him in the corner, but runs into a forearm to the face. It was nasty looking. Sheamus hits White Noise. He goes for the Brogue Kick, but Ziggler dives and tags Vickie.
Ziggler goes to the outside apron but is Brogue Kicked off. Vickie and AJ get into the ring. AJ pushes Vickie to her knees. She comes running with a Shining Wizard knee to the face. AJ pins Vickie for the win. She grabs the microphone and shouts YES YES YES up the ramp. The camera follows her to the back, where she looks for Punk. He is on the phone. She wants to know who he’s talking to. He said he was on the phone with his sister. She asks if he saw her match. He said he was on the phone the whole time. She starts to get sad and asks why he wasn’t paying attention to her. She walks off.
Heath Slater is in the ring. They show a highlight video of how he’s been squashed lately by legends. Good for him for having a consistent storyline. He has tremendous charisma. He yells he’s not a clown. Uh oh. Here comes Doink. Ugh. Way to kill this legends angle. I hate Doink and the 10,000 wannabes that try to be him on the indy circuit. If you’re a wrestling promoter and you put Doink on your poster, I hope zero people show up to your event. FYI Doink is the Brooklyn Brawler tonight.
Heath Slater vs Doink- Wrist lock by Doink to start. Slater counters with a kick to the shin. Slater stomps Doink on the mat. Running upper knee lift by Slater. Doink reverses an Irish whip and shoulder thrusts Slater in the corner. Slater whips Doink to the other corner. Running neck breaker by Slater. The cover. The three count. Heath Slater wins!!!! BANG!!! Here comes Diamond Dallas Page. Slater steals his Diamond Cutter bang and is booed. DDP laughs and goes to shake his hand. The handshake turns into a Diamond Cutter. BANG! I wonder why he couldn’t work an easy match? If fat Vader and broken leg Psycho Sid could work an easy match, I’m sure a Yoga instructor could. Good to see DDP. One of the nicest guys I’ve ever worked with in the industry. But I like Heath Slater more. He’s quickly becoming my favorite heel in the company.
No DQ: Kane vs. The Big Show- Big Show kicks Kane to start the match. He comes at him with punches. Expect a lot of punches. Because they are big men. And big men can’t do much besides punches. Okay, I’m going to be honest with you all. I don’t care about this match. I know your shocked. I know your surprised. But I really don’t care. I’d rather go watch Magic Mike than watch this match. If I would have had to urinate this would have been a piss break. What’s the play by play of this match? I don’t know. Seriously. I don’t know. Didn’t really pay attention. I saw them on the outside fighting. Then they were inside. There were some punches. Kane jumped off the top rope and missed. Oh no! There’s a chair shot. No, not to the head. Because WWE has banned that. It was to the gut. How devastating. Choke slam on a chair by Big Show. That’s the match. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!! No, Daniel Bryan didn’t come out. I’m cheering because the match is over!!!!!!! Kane and Big Show are both trending on Twitter.
Teddy Long is in the back with Eve Torres. This is her first appearance in weeks. She tries to suck up to Teddy. He gives her a sign that says “Hello I’m Eve.” Then he laughs at her. She walks away angrily. She spots AJ crying. Eve tells her to go sit in a corner and cry. AJ asks her who she will brown nose next now that Laurinaitis is gone. She says Eve will do anything to get attention. Then she says she will show everyone how to get attention.
Raw greatest moments video. It’s my favorite Raw moment of all time. D-Generation X invaded WCW in an army tank. Alberto Del Rio talks about it. Alberto Del Rio? Really. Of all people.
Tyson Kidd vs. Tensai w/ Sakamoto- Tyson Kidd has been awesome on Smackdown lately. Very glad they put him in the Money in the Bank match. He will steal the show. Tensai has dropped the word “Lord” from his name. He’s only Tensai now. Tensai begins this match by tossing Kidd straight into the corner. Kidd catches Tensai in a roll up and gets the three count! That fast. I actually saw that coming. Seriously. I figured he would get a surprise win. They can’t push Kidd as a legit Money in the Bank competitor and have him be squashed by Tensai. After the match is over Tensai destroys Sakamoto. Both in the ring and on the outside. He’s angry.
Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan are in the back. Bryan asks Jericho not to wear his stupid jacket to the ring. He says it’s embarrassing. Jericho makes fun of Bryan’s maroon jacket and beard. Jericho says they have to stop bickering and asks if Bryan understands. Bryan says yes. Jericho says to stop saying that. Bryan says yes again. Then again. Then again. Then again. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!! Jericho is yelling at him to stop. Then he starts yelling out his catch phrase for no apparent reason. Don’t ever say that again! Ever again! Ever again! YES! Ever again! YES! Ever again! YES! Ever again! YES! Ever again! YES! Ever again! LMAO. Hilarious. Best segment in Raw history. Tears coming from the eyes. I’ll watch it again later.
Josh Matthews interviews Tyson Kidd. Before he can even start talking here comes Tensai. Kidd’s head is thrown into the lockers multiple times. He leaves him laid out. Tyson Kidd is trending on Twitter. So is WCW.
Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan vs. WWE Champion CM Punk and John Cena- The WWE Championship is in the main event????? This is historic. Are you kidding me? Finally! The WWE Championship is in the main event! I’ll say it again. The WWE Championship is actually in the main event! The main event! It’s the last match tonight! Here we go. Punk and Bryan start. YESSSSSS. Punk goes for a tie up but Bryan side steps and yells YES! Great spot. A tie up results in a Bryan shoulder block, CM Punk arm drag, and CM Punk chop. Neck breaker by Punk. Cena is tagged in. Running bulldog. Tag to Jericho. Cena hits a headlock and shoulder bump. Another head lock results in another shoulder block. Ugh. Cena is ruining this match with his inability to wrestle. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho rolls down his shoulders to the outside floor. That takes us to commercial.
Back from commercial we see a Jericho slam and two count. Then comes a long chin lock. This is kinda slow for a commercial comeback. Jericho elbows Cena in the head. He misses a Lion Sault. That’s a double down. Bryan is tagged and immediately cuts Cena off from making the hot tag. Hard kicks in the corner by Bryan with YES on every shot. Running drop kick in the corner. Two count. He headbutts Cena’s face on the ropes. Loved it. Tag to Jericho. Cena fights off a suplex. It gets awkward looking and then Cena falls. Botched spot. Thanks Cena. Cena goes for another random AA, but its countered with a DDT. Two cont after a cover. This match is too slow. Jericho chops Cena in the corner. Cena comes back with an Irish whip. He charges Jericho but is caught with boots to the face. Jericho goes for a running bulldog, but he’s thrown crotch first into the corner. He freezes there for awhile to really sell it. Hot tag to Punk. Tag to Bryan. Single leg drop kick by Punk. High knee in the corner. Bryan counters the bulldog, but he’s caught in a snap power slam. Instead of going for a pinfall he hooks in the Anaconda Vice. Jericho breaks it up. Jericho and Cena brawl to the back. That sets up an AJ spot its looking like.
Here we go. Punk vs Bryan. This should be fun. Punk rolls over Bryan’s shoulders in the corner. Byran counters with a hurricanrana. He hits a very hard stiff knockout kick to the head. Two count. Bryan climbs to the top rope. Punk cuts him off with punches. Superplex off the top by Punk. Two count. AJ’s music hits. She comes skipping down the ramp and around the ring. Punk and Bryan are fighting each other with forearms and kicks. It’s very stiff. AJ is angry because nobody is paying attention to her. Double clothesline by Bryan and Punk. AJ looks under the ring apron. She gets a table out and sets it up. She climbs to the top rope and stares down at the table. Bryan gets down in front of her to stop her. Is this a suicidal angle? Riveting. Punk climbs the turnbuckle to stop her. AJ kisses him. Then she pushes Punk off the turnbuckle, down onto Bryan, as both crash through the table. AJ yells YES YES YES from the top turnbuckle.
Interesting finish. This week’s Raw was kinda the opposite of most weeks. It started bad and got stronger in the last hour. The reason why is because they actually used the WWE Championship match in the main event as opposed to using it at the beginning of the show. There was a lot of good comedy tonight. Including the Raw is going to 3 hours commercial that aired at the end of the show. If you haven’t seen it you should find it. Hilarious. Bryan and Jericho’s backstage segment made the show. I also liked the Bryan and Punk spots in their match. They were incredibly stiff. The AJ progression is really good too. Seeing DDP was fun. The rest of the show was forgettable. Here comes the usual….no Zack Ryder, no Antonio Cesaro, no Ryback, no good. They have the main event spot down, now they need to learn how to build their under card better. They can start by putting on better quality wrestling. It’s time to promote Seth Rollins to Raw and use him. If you don’t know who he is you need to look for “Tyler Black” from Ring of Honor. It’s also time to promote The Ascension. They are a bad ass tag team that are currently in NXT. There are some really good workers coming from the developmental. It’s sad that the developmental is currently stronger than the WWE is. With all of that being said, I’m trying to figure out how to end this article. So I’ll end by saying YES EVER AGAIN YES EVER AGAIN YES EVER AGAIN YES EVER AGAIN!!!!