WWE Monday Night Raw Results 7/9/12

Raw begins with AJ skipping to the ring.  Let’s hope this doesn’t turn out to be the same thing as what they already did on Smackdown.  AJ talks about being the special referee in the championship match at Money in the Bank.  She introduces CM Punk.  Jerry Lawler says they named the cuckoo clock after AJ.  Ehhh.  She tells Punk that she doesn’t need mental help as he said on Smackdown.  She says she’s in control of her mentality at all times.  The crowd chants “AJ’s crazy.”  AJ says that nobody has ever cared about her, let alone show the compassion that Punk did for her.  She said when she kissed Punk she knew what she had to do.  His eyes send love into her heart.  He fills her up with passion and desire.  She says Punk turns her on.  Punk’s body language is making this promo as awkward as it’s supposed to be.  AJ says she now knows what she has to do.  AJ gets down on one knee.  She asks Punk to marry her!!!  The crowd chants YES YES YES.  Loud pop for that one.  Hilarious twist to this angle.

Daniel Bryan comes running to the ring yelling NO NO NO.  He says he can’t allow her to do this.  Bryan claims that Punk doesn’t love AJ and is just playing her because she’s the referee for their match.  Bryan’s sarcasm is so good.  He’s obviously describing himself in this situation.  That’s why it’s so good.  Punk claims that Bryan doesn’t know anything about the situation.  Bryan tells him to say “I do” then.  There is silence.  Bryan tells AJ that Punk sees her as a special referee, and Bryan sees her as a special person.  Bryan said he intended to make a proposal.  He gets down on one knee.  He asks AJ to marry him!!!  Punk wants to know where the ring is since Bryan claimed this was premeditated.  Punk wants to talk to AJ in the back.  Bryan says “don’t you talk down to my future fiance that way.”  HA!

The lights blink and we hear the default I-Phone sound.  Michael Cole stands up with a grin.  “May I have your attention please.  I’ve just received an e-mail from the anonymous Raw General Manager.”  YES!!!!  I’ve missed that thing.  Please reveal who this thing was!  I’m glad they didn’t forget it forever.  Cole unveils the GM stage.  “And I quote.”  The anonymous Raw GM is tonight’s GM!  Anonymous GM makes a match.  CM Punk and AJ vs. Daniel Bryan and Eve.  Bryan goes crazy.  He wants to team with AJ.  AJ is confused.  She says everything happens for a reason and that she will walk out tonight with her future husband.  Punk drops the microphone in a dramatic way.  Made me laugh.  Great opening segment.  Highly entertaining.  I’m sure it’ll be all downhill from here.

World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger-  Swagger gets the jobber “already in the ring” entrance.  Swagger ducks a tie up to start.  Belly to back take down.  He sends Sheamus’ shoulder into the turnbuckle.  He goes for the Swagger Bomb, but Sheamus catches him on his shoulders.  White Noise by Sheamus.  Brogue Kick.  3 count.  Sheamus wins.  Yup, Swagger is a jobber.  The first match tonight is a squash?  Terrible.  Alberto Del Rio appears on the Titan Tron.  He gives a forgettable promo about how he will beat Sheamus at the PPV.  Sheamus turns around and gives Swagger a second Brogue Kick.  I don’t care much about that feud.

Santino Marella is in the back with Zack Ryder.  He congratulates Ryder for winning the battle royal on Smackdown.  Ryder talks about being the GM on Smackdown this week.  He says it’s going to be “Zack Down.”  Santino says he’s on a personal mission to find out who the anonymous GM is.  He puts on a Sherlock Holmes hat, has a pipe, and a magnifying glass.  I’m sure Santino will figure it out.  I just hope it isn’t a big comedic joke which disgraces the year long reign of the anonymous GM.  I liked the anonymous GM.  It was an entertaining concept that really gave Michael Cole a chance to show his charisma and turned him into a major heel.  I just wasn’t happy when they dropped the angle and never gave it closure.

Breaking news.  The Rock will be at the 1,000 episode in two weeks.  As will Brock Lesnar, Bret Hart, DX, and many more.  I can’t wait.

Dolph Ziggler and Tensai vs. Tyson Kidd and Intercontinental Champion Christian-  Both teams are already in the ring and get no entrances.  What???  Why???  Vickie Guerrero is on commentary, but adds nothing to the match.  Ziggler stomps at Tyson Kidd quickly.  Kidd does an amazing spot where he flips Ziggler over his back and lands his neck across his knee.  Christian comes in on fire with dropkicks and a clothesline off the top rope.  Ziggler tags Tensai.  He bumps both faces.  Christian goes for the Kill Switch, but it’s countered.  Tensai sends Christian into the turnbuckle.  Sakamoto jumps up for the distraction.  Running senton by Tensai.  He gets the pin on Christian for the win.

That distraction wasn’t really needed because Tensai didn’t cheat.  It didn’t make sense.  After the match Tensi send his knees into Tyson Kidd on the outside, against the barricade.  Tensai powerbombs Tyson Kidd back first on the ring apron.  A Kevin Steen rip off that was nowhere as good.  (Kevin Steen is the ROH Champion.)  Another running senton on the outside by Tensai as he leaves Kidd laid out.  Why would they do that segment if they didn’t want to give them any time?  They could have saved that crap for Superstars, or whatever show they film now.  The entire thing was quick, rushed, and pointless.  That one really angered me.  I’ve never seen a match rushed that much in all of my years watching Raw.  It was also a huge waste of Dolph Ziggler tonight.  No good wrestling thus far.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are arguing.  Cole accidently throws his drink on him. Lawler wants to hit him.  The lights blink as the GM has sent an email.  Cole says he refuses to read it.  So Lawler gets up to read it.  In a Wrestlemania rematch from the anonymous GM’s era, tonight we will see Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole.  Cole wants him to change it.  Then a lot of time passes by as someone misses the cue to blink the lights again.  Too much bad banter to fill the time.  The GM’s new e-mail says that the fans get to vote on whether or not they face each other tonight.  The voting is on WWE.com.  I am going to vote no.  The funny thing about that segment was the side angle shot that they used on the computer.  You could clearly see a paper sitting on the laptop with the script on it.  So much for it being an “e-mail.”

The Funkasaurus Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactuls vs. Drew McIntyre- Time for McIntyre to be under used as usual.  McIntyre punches Clay in the back to start.  Clay counters with a whip into the corner.  McIntyre flips over a second whip to the outside apron and kicks Clay in the head.  Nice spot.  McIntyre goes to the top rope but is nailed with a headbutt on the way down.  Running splash by Clay for the win.  Are you kidding me?  So many questions here.  3 quick squash matches in a row?  Why isn’t McIntyre used correctly?  Why didn’t they take time away from Clay’s long entrance to give Ziggler more time?  Why didn’t they cut out that match completely and give all of it’s time to Ziggler?  Was that really necessary?  So Clay isn’t a jobber anymore?  He’s been getting squashed by Big Show every week.  I thought he was a jobber.  Last question…I promise.  Why do all the big men do running splashes as finishers?

Santino Marella is in the back with Chris Jericho.  He asks Jericho if he was the anonymous GM.  Jericho says he hates that computer.  He asks Santino if he was the GM.  They say hmmm back and forth.  Santino says “what if I am the GM…you sum a ma gun.”  Then he walks away.  Big Show walks up.  They talk about their tag match tonight.  Big Show tells him to stay out of his way and calls him a jerk.

Raw most memorable moment video- It’s Stephanie McMahon again.  How many of these does she get?  It’s her wedding with Triple H.  He calls her a bitch, punches Vince, and destroys the wedding set.  I’ve seen a dozen better wedding skits than that one.

John Cena comes to the ring.  He’s putting over the Money in the Bank match.  Ugh.  How many times have we heard this?  Blah blah blah.  Something about cashing the briefcase in.  Something about opportunities and changing the landscape.  He will stop The Big Show.  He will be the next Mr. Money in the Bank.  Please stop.  Explosion.  Here comes Kane.  Thank god.  Never thought I’d say that.  The light’s go out.  Here comes Jericho.  Jacket fully lit.  Followed by Big Show.  Let’s get this over with.  The only thing interesting about this match is face Cena and heel Kane teaming up.  Unless Kane has turned again.  Who knows.  If he did it wasn’t very clear.

John Cena and Kane vs. Chris Jericho and The Big Show- Cena and Jericho start.  Hammerlock by Cena, reversed by Jericho, reversed by Cena.  Shoulder block by Cena.  Whip into the corner followed by a bulldog.  Tag to Big Show.  Cena and Big Show spar.  Cena bounces off the ropes but is caught in a choke slam attempt.  Cena gets out and tags Kane.  Tie up from Show and Kane.  Kane is powered into the corner, but he reverses.  Punches in the corner.  Because that’s what big men do…punch…a lot.  Big Show reverses and hits a corner clothesline.  Head butt sends Kane to the outside floor.  Jericho kicks Kane on the outside with the referee’s back turned.

Eventually Kane climbs back in and is met by some boring Big Show offense.  Punches, kicks, and another shoulder block.  Body punches by Big Show.  Shocker.  Finally a tag to Jericho.  He climbs in and is uppercutted.  Tag to Cena.  Irish whip, corner clothesline, suplex.  Two count by Cena.  Jericho whips Cena, grabs he referee, and Big Show clubs Cena in the back.  Possibly the worst commercial spot in the history of Raw.

Back from break Big Show headbutts Cena.  Chop in the corner.  The second one is reversed.  Cena does that repetitive spot where he picks Big Show up, but then back bumps with all the weight crashing down.  Bear hug by Big Show.  Ugh.  That’s exactly what he needs.  Another rest hold added to his arsenal.  Cena fights out and uses a back body drop.  That’s a double down.  Hot tag to Kane.  Running grounded drop kick by Kane.  Clotheslines in the corner.  Irish whip followed by a DDT.  Two count.  Kane goes to the top rope and misses.  Big Show hits a spear.  Two count.  More body punches.  Shocker.

Tag to Jericho.  He comes off the top rope with an axe handle smash.  Stomps in the corner by Jericho.  He chokes Kane against the ropes multiple times.  Knee to the back off of the ropes.  Jericho distracts the referee as Big Show clubs Kane across the apron.  Another commercial spot.  Another one?  This match gets  3 segments?  Why?  And why were both of the commercial spots the same thing?  A referee distraction in each.  An old school agent like Arn Anderson must be in charge of this one.  Someone who believes that simple heel distractions are still entertaining.

Back from break again we see Kane in a chin lock by Jericho.  He backs Jericho into the corner, but Jericho kicks him in the face.  Jericho comes running out, but is caught in a side slam.  Hot tag to Cena.  Shoulder block #1.  Shoulder block #2.  Reverse suplex.  5 Knuckle Shuffle isn’t hit as Jericho moves.  He goes for the Walls of Jericho.  Cena spins his legs out.  Attitude Adjustment by Cena.  Big Show pulls his legs out of the ring.  Apparently that results in a disqualification.  So we just watched a 3 segment match with no finish?

Big Show clotheslines Kane on the outside.  Then he gets some ladders.  Just because he has a ladder match this week?  Why would anyone legitimately go for a ladder in this situation?  Big Show hits Kane and Jericho with a small ladder.  He places Jericho inside of a bigger ladder and slams the back down on him.  Then he pushes down on the top putting all of the weight on Jericho.  Cena comes out of nowhere with a ladder and knocks Big Show out of the ring.  So this match wasn’t just to put Big Show over again?  That’s surprising.  And refreshing.  Cena poses with a ladder.  That match made me care 0% more about their match at the PPV.

CM Punk is in the back.  Eve walks up to him and wishes him luck.  He wishes her luck in getting all the fake spray tan off after the match.  Ha!  Eve said she was talking about AJ.  She says if he doesn’t walk away with AJ she won’t let him win his match at the PPV.  She says in his title reign he’s been overlooked by The Rock, John Cena, and Brock Lesnar.  Punk is angry.  Haha.  She’s alluding to the fact that Punk hasn’t been main eventing.  Which I obviously think is a huge problem.  Punk has to know that to be the truth regardless of what he says on Twitter.

Santino Marella is in the back.  He asks Khali if he’s the GM.  He say’s yes.  Then no.  Then who’s that?  Incredibly stupid.  Didn’t make sense.  Khali can’t talk.  Khali can’t act.  Khali can’t wrestle.  Khali can’t even walk.  What’s his value again?

Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Sin Cara vs. Heath Slater- Sin Cara kicks Slater’s legs to start.  Head stand off the ropes is countered into a neck breaker by Slater.  But it was botched.  Slater kicks Sin Cara multiple times and applies a chin lock.  Sin Cara flips out of it into an arm drag.  Yakuzza Kick from the outside apron.  Spinning arm breaker by Sin Cara for the win.  Sin Cara is now in the World Heavyweight Championship Money in the Bank match.  That’s the event that he injured himself at last year.  Heath Slater gets on the mic.  He asks for a former champion and guarantees he beats them.  Here comes Bob Backlund!!!  He still looks good.

Bob Backlund vs. Heath Slater- Backlund walks across his knees in the ring.  “You still got it” chant from the crowd just for doing that.  Love it.  Handshake to start.  Slater kicks him in the gut and punches him in the head.  Slater misses a punch and is caught in the Crossface Chicken Wing.  Slater taps out.  Apparently it was an exhibition because there was no referee.  Good to see Backlund.

Michael Cole asks for attention.  Here come the results of the fan voting.  75% of the people think Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler should have a match.  Ugh.  75% of you are idiots.  I’d rather see Zack Ryder vs. anyone instead.  Cole argues with the crowd as we go to commercial.

Raw Active Promo.  Raw active is a new concept that starts in two weeks.  It is a social media push.  There are going to be a lot of different ways to interact with the show on a number of different social media sites and apps.  Some of which I’ve never even heard of.  I love this concept.  I love how the WWE is embracing social media and understanding it’s impact on society.  Absolutely a genius idea.  Big props to them.

Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. Michael Cole- Booker T and Josh Matthews are now on commentary.  Cole runs out of the ring to start.  Booker T tosses him back in.  Cole wants a hand shake.  He gets an air plane spin instead.  Lawler covers him for the win.  I’ve never seen someone win on an air plane spin before.  The lights blink.  The anonymous GM says he reverses the decision because of the interference by Booker T.  Michael Cole jumps up and down.

Santino Marella’s music hits.  He says the GM has to be under the ring.  The lights blink.  The GM says “no I’m not.  Leave the ring now.”  Santino climbs out of the ring, but his legs are tripped as he’s drug under the ring.  He’s pulled out as Hornswoggle comes with him.  King asks him if he’s responsible for all of this.  Hornswoggle shakes his head yes, kicks Lawler in the shin, bites Cole in the ass, and runs away.  Booker T says “tell me I did not just see that.”  So Hornswoggle was the anonymous Raw GM for over a year.  I don’t even know how to comment on that.  It’s probably the worst possible thing that they could have come up with.  Really?  I don’t know what to say.  Words can’t describe how terrible this is.  After seeing that I don’t have the desire to continue to comment about this angle, or the last 2 years of Raw.  Because it was all legitimately just made to be a mockery.  Who knows how many countless segments there were during that time span where Hornswoggle was forced to wrestle someone big by the anonymous Raw GM.  I can remember a couple.  I’m done.

Daniel Bryan and Eve Torres vs. WWE Champion CM Punk and AJ-  Punk and Bryan start aggressively with forearms shots.  Punk comes back with hard knees to the face.  Bryan chops Punk in the chest hard.  Punk back body drops Bryan.  Bryan gets his boot up in the corner, is flipped over his head, but comes back with a nasty knee to the face.  Hard knees by Bryan.  The women are tagged in.  AJ uses a Thesz press on Eve.  She punches away at her in the corner.  Eve comes back with a hard kick to the face.  She knees her in the gut and throws her head first into the mat.  Eve misses a flipping splash when AJ gets her knees up.  AJ chops her down with kicks and hits an awesome running double foot stomp to Eve’s back.  AJ is a good wrestler.  Eve kicks AJ off of her and goes to tag Bryan.  Bryan moves and leaves Eve by herself.  AJ rolls her up for the win.  Punk wants a high five, but AJ hugs him.  Punk’s reaction is hilarious.

Daniel Bryan grabs a mic.  He says he just proved his feelings for her by leaving Eve by herself.  He wants to leave right now and get married.  The idea of him wanting to get married over the championship is hilarious.  Punk grabs the mic and says he isn’t going to use her.  Punk says Bryan doesn’t want to marry her, he wants to marry the championship.  Punk says that he isn’t going to marry AJ.  He apologizes if that isn’t what AJ wants to hear.  He says he cares about her enough to tell her the truth.  AJ cries.  Then she smacks Punk across the face hard.  Bryan says “AJ come home.”  Funniest line of the night.  AJ smacks Bryan hard also.  Bryan’s reaction is great.  He’s so shocked!!  AJ chants YES YES YES.  The crowd chants it incredibly loud with her.  She skips up the ramp yelling YES as Raw goes off the air.

The Punk/Bryan/AJ stuff is phenomenal.  One of the best angles in years.  Everything about it is money.  It should be the entire two hours, because the rest of the show is worthless.  It has the opportunity to be great, but they don’t use the right people.  Again no Ryder, no Antonio Cesaro, no Ryback, no Damian Sandow.  Ziggler and Kidd were misused, and the rest of the matches had no point in existing.  The GM thing was worse than Mae Young giving birth to a hand.  Yeah it was that bad.  This is what I expect each week though.  I expect Punk and Bryan to carry the show and to be bored with the rest.  At least they are finally letting Punk and Bryan main event.  I guess I’ll take what I can get.  I’ll continue to settle.