There’s nothing more to be said: the Orioles are bad. That’s it – they’re just bad. And if you’re hoping that they can pull out of this funk and have anything near a competitive season, you’re fooling yourself. You know that old adage about being able to lose a championship in April? Yeah, this is what that looks like.

But Birdland, I’m telling you, the only way to get through this new Dark Age is to lean into and embrace the suck. The team is going to be terrible, we might as well have a little fun along the way. Baseball is supposed to be fun, and if the team is not going to provide the entertainment, the only thing we have to get by on is a little gallows humor. I mean, if the Orioles are going to be the laughing stock of baseball, we might as well laugh along on our own terms, right? This is the classic Baltimore “chip on the shoulder” when it comes to our teams. We crap all over them, but the minute someone from the outside says something unflattering, we are up in arms.

I, for one, know that I can handle whatever comes next. I was born in 1983. I spent my entire adult life waiting for 2012, and I can wait again. This team can’t hurt me! I’ve lived through Kevin Gregg. I’ve watched Alex Cintron play shortstop for my team. I’VE TRIED TO GET EXCITED ABOUT DAVID NEWHAN!

This team won’t bring you wins. It won’t bring you playoff contention. But you can still enjoy that which it still offers. I’m looking forward to hanging out with family and friends in “The Park that Forever Changed Baseball.” I’m looking forward to watching Manny Machado play shortstop, up close, for as long as circumstances will allow. It may not sound like a lot, but the worst day of baseball season beats the hell out of a snowy day in November.


This is not to say that I’m OK with what has been happening on the field. No. This has been terrible to the extreme. The O’s are losing games where the offense disappears. They have been losing games where the starters put the game out of reach in the first inning. They have been losing games where the bullpen cannot holds leads. Everything has been awful.

In fact, Everybody Sucks.

Everybody Sucks

When the game is on,
And you sigh.
They’re going to lose again
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this team
To hang on,
Don’t let yourself hope.
They’ll only let you down,
And everybody sucks, at the same time.
On this team everything is wrong.
They can’t even hit a dong.
Both the day and night games blow (O’s lose).
(O’s lose) They’re the worst team in the league (O’s lose).
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this team
To hang on
‘Cause everybody sucks. 
Let’s start the fire sale.
Everybody sucks.
And we’re going to tell Manny
Gooooooooooood bye.
Welcome back to the Dark Ages.
Well this season has been blown.
And at Camden Yards you’ll be alone.
When you watch the O’s,
You will find
The days and nights are long.
When you think you’ve had too much
Of this team
To hang on.
Well everybody sucks .
All the O’s fans cry
And everybody sucks at the same time.
And everybody sucks at the same time.
The O’s lose, the O’s lose
The O’s lose, the O’s lose
The O’s lose, the O’s lose
The O’s lose, the O’s lose
Everybody sucks
At the same time.