In case you were watching the World Series or eating candy corns or carving a canoe last night, let me give you the most accurate synopsis I can muster of last night’s Ravens loss in Jacksonville:

Teams are introduced. Players mill about field whilst Jon Harbaugh and Jack Del Rio bark at officials like seals. Obafemi Ayanbadejo’s brother punches someone in the face. Joe Flacco vomits all over field. Josh Scobee kicks four field goals in rapid succession. Everyone goes home and watches “Hoarders,” re-contemplating life itself. That about sum it up? Here are some other ways you can look at this ordeal:

The Homer
The zebras killed us from the get-go. Terrible flag on Pollard, the no-call on Lowery’s hit on Torrey Smith, ejecting Ayanbadejo, the onside kick, right down to the phantom 5-yard delay of game penalty they forgot to give the Jags. This is a great home football team and it shows why Baltimore has the NFL’s best fans. Stupid Jags fans couldn’t even fill their crappy stadium! Cam is ruining poor Joe for the future. Fire him immediately and let Flacco draw ’em up in the dirt, hon.

The LOLcat Enthusiast
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The End of Days Prophet
This proves what I’ve been saying all along: the Ravens are a 5-win team at best. Ozzie has failed yet again to build a team of any real depth. Joe Flacco is the worst pressure QB in the league and Ray Rice can’t handle the load, especially behind that terrible offensive line. We have no receivers, continuing our franchise-long streak of lacking a deep threat. The secondary is really suspect and Reed and Lewis are banged up and over the hill. Time to Suck for Luck.

The College Football Fan
Fire Craig James!

The Flacco Apologist
Cam Cameron should hand in his headset tomorrow morning. Joe continues to be limited in big spots by his lack of receivers and terrible playcalling. Ray Rice needs to do a better job blocking. Also, I love Pizza Hut!

Guy Who Insists On Watching Baseball
Did you SEE when Tony LaRussa…[here is where I feign interest and think about ‘Game of Thrones’]

The Armchair Coach
The Ravens weren’t able to stretch the field because every receiver besides Boldin doesn’t know how to sit down underneath a zone. In man, we simply got beat and failed to create any separation. In the second half our defense failed to hold an edge and allowed MJD some sneaky yards that ate all that 3rd quarter clock. Why don’t you kick the ball out of the endzone there instead of going for the onside? You gotta trust your D!

The Historian
The Ravens are now 7-10 all-time versus Jacksonville, dating back to the days when they were divisional opponents. More so, the Ravens have only won in Jacksonville twice in those meetings, in 2000 and 2001.

The Degenerate Gambler
Another home doggie coming up big this week! All the late action from the sharps pushed this one from 7 when it opened to 10.5 by kickoff. Huge value there for the Jags! Looking at this game, which may have been a trap game, you gotta wonder about Arizona coming into Baltimore this week at +12.5. Also, can you float me two hundred? I’m good for it.

The Diehard Jaguars Fan
[Head explodes]

Poe, Ravens’ mascot
CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW

Edgar Allen Poe, Ravens’ muse

from “The Happiest Day”:

But were that hope of pride and power 
Now offer’d with the pain 
Even then I felt — that brightest hour I would not live again: 

For on its wing was dark alloy,
And, as it flutter’d — fell
An essence — powerful to destroy
A soul that knew it well. 

Logical Fan with Sports In Perspective
This was unfortunate, but it’s one game, and we’re still very much in the playoff picture. Also, given how rough things are in the world right now, I’m lucky I was able to be at home watching the game at all. And you know what, good for Jacksonville! When’s the next time those guys are going to be on Monday night? To be honest, I’ll probably have forgotten about this loss in three or four weeks. Man, Ed Reed is really good!

 

Dave Gilmore lives in Baltimore and writes “The Win Column” for Baltimore Sports Report.  He is currently working on a novel about college football.  Find him on Twitter @dave_gilmore or visit his web site at davegilmorejr.com