WWE Monday Night Raw Results, 8/27/12

Raw begins with Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler on commentary. Cole begins to talk about Lawler’s tweet last week, where he blasted Punk for kicking him in the head. Lawler immediately puts down his headset and walks into the ring. Jerry says that he apologized to Punk last week, and that he wants an apology from Punk right now. Cue CM Punk’s music. So if Lawler is going to have a mini feud with Punk does that mean we don’t have to see him against Michael Cole anymore? That would be outstanding. Punk comes to the ring and says that Lawler slandered the beloved WWE Champion.  Punk has a nice new pretty haircut! Punk takes shots at Lawler by saying all it took for him to get into WWE was beating up on nobodies from Memphis and getting in a slap fight with Andy Kaufman. Punk says that Lawler is a circus eel who has to reiterate everything that’s barked into his ear. Awesome line. He’s referring to how Vince McMahon is always in the gorilla position telling the commentators what to say. Punk apologizes and is sorry about the way Lawler has become. Punk challenges Lawler to a match and tells him to think about it. In a sarcastic tone Lawler says “Yeah, I’ll think about it.” Was sarcasm necessary Jerry?

I have an idea for Punk.  We’re all sick of the “spinner” WWE Championship. What if Punk debuted his own title that had a big gold picture of his face on it? That’s the ultimate way to put over the “all about me” attitude that Punk owns. Then he can really preach respect since his face is plastered on the marquee championship. It would make sense. And it would be hilarious. It would be Stone Cole “smoking skull” title esque.  Or The Rock “Brahma Bull” title-esque. Let’s do it! I’ll Tweet Punk the idea tonight. I know you’ll all agree, because your all as smart as I am.

Click through for Mark Brown’s breakdown of the rest of 8/27’s Monday Night Raw . . .

Jack Swagger vs. Ryback: A real match for Ryback?  Tie up to start. Knees to the gut by Swagger. Ryback comes back with knees of his own. Big boot to the face by Ryback. He picks Swagger’s head up and bashes it off the mat multiple times. I love that spot. Ryback charges, but is caught in a drop toe hold. Shoulder block by Swagger followed by a body slam. Swagger walks over Ryback’s body and goes for the Swagger Bomb. Ryback gets his legs up. Swagger grabs the legs and attempts an Ankle Lock. Ryback kicks his way out. Botched back body drop by Ryback. Swagger is dumped on his head. Scary spot. He could have been concussed. Stiff running clothesline by Ryback. He picks Swagger up on his shoulders, marches around the ring, and hits Shell Shocked. 1-2-3. Ryback wins of course. Solid little quick match. Swagger grabbing the ankle after the Swagger Bomb reversal was a nice spot. The camera stays on Swagger as he yells “that’s it.” So something new will be happening with Swagger soon. A gimmick change? A face turn? A push? Something is about to happen.  They made reference to his losing streak at the start of the match. “That’s it” signifies frustration and change.

Diva’s Champion Layla vs. Natalya: Before the match starts Vickie Guerrero comes out yelling “excuse me.”  She wants the mactch to end quickly so she can make an announcement. I want the match to end quickly too! Chain wrestling from the Divas start the match. Natlya turns it into a pin and gets a one count. Roll through arm drag by Layla into a pin. Springboard cross body. Another two count for Layla. She does a stupid dance and ass bumps Natalya in the face. Natalya yells “that wasn’t funny.” You’re right Natalya, it’s not. Nor is it entertaining. Natalya rolls to the outside floor and is charged by Layla. She catches Layla in the ring apron and punches away at her. Natalya attempts the Sharp Shooter, but is kicked off. Suplex attempt by Natalya is countered into a roll up for a two count. Layla gets up and uses a kick to the head finish. That’s the match. Glad it’s over. I hate Layla.

Time for Vickie’s announcement. She makes Layla exit the ring. Vickie complains about how Ziggler had to put his Money in the Bank contract up in a match last week. She says it was an abuse of power. Vickie is speaking out against the Raw GM. She wants the board of directors to give her the Raw GM job. She says it shouldn’t be the hands of a mentally deranged child. Then she pauses awhile because they hit AJ’s music too late. AJ comes out skipping around the ring in a gray suit. The crowd chants “YES YES YES!.” AJ slaps Vickie across the face and attacks her with a Thesz Press. She punches her multiple times. The crowd goes nuts. Vickie retreats out of the ring and runs up the ramp. Interesting. Glad that wasn’t a typical boring promo. AJ is great.

Daniel Bryan goes to anger management classes. This is going to be great. Bryan is in a little group of guys in a circle who is talking to a doctor. Bryan tells the doctor that he doesn’t have anger problems. A little kid with a goat mask walks in. Bryan starts yelling “NO NO NO.” Bryan gets up in the kid’s face and yells at him to take the mask off. The kid takes the mask off and is crying. A man says that the boy is his son and that he’s playing a goat in his school play. Eh that didn’t really make me laugh. They are trying to play off of the success of Bryan’s segments with the shrink a few weeks ago. The second time is usually never as good. At one point in the segment the doctor did say “we’re waiting on one more person.” I assume that will be Kane, who will appear in the last segment. Shocker.

Jerry Lawler gets on top of the commentary table. This is after Cole showed a tweet that Punk made about him. Lawler says that the nobodies he beat up in Memphis were Jesse Ventura, “Superstar” Billy Graham and others. Lawler says that Punk wouldn’t have made it in Memphis. Lawler says that everything that Punk said was true. He puts over Andy Kaufman. Lawler says he became a WWE Hall of Famer by standing up for what is right. He says he’s not the best in the world, but Punk isn’t either. He accepts Punk’s challenge. Lawler storms up the ramp. Punk wouldn’t have made it in Memphis? Ha! Maybe because he wouldn’t be able to adapt to that prehistoric slow moving style of boring 80’s wrestling. Yeah, I said it. 80’s wrestling was boring. Sorry. Do they really think Jerry Lawler is the best way to try to get Punk over as a heel? Lawler is not the top face. It worked for Miz, but this is a different story.

John Cena vs. Intercontinental Champion The Miz: A former Wrestlemania main event reduced to the 9 o’clock match on Raw. That’s Miz’s career in a nutshell. Side headlock take over by Miz. Irish whip, two leap frogs, head lock takeover by Cena. Riveting 80’s style wrestling. Then my tv craps out. They go to break. Back from break we’re joined by Josh Mathews on commentary. Miz is bulldogged which results in a two count. Hard kick to the face by Miz after a whip. Hard big boot to the face followed by a two count. Miz hits a running clothesline in the corner and swings through the ropes. He climbs the top turnbuckle and uses an axe handle off the top. Another two count followed by a chin lock. Cena powers out and hits a suplex. Miz comes back with a quick neck breaker for a two count.

A second running boot to the face by Miz. Miz goes for a third, but it’s countered into an STF. Miz crawls to the bottom rope and breaks the hold. He comes back strong with a kick to the knee and a DDT. Yet another two count for Miz. I yawned. Just thought I’d share that with you. Miz counters an Attitude Adjustment attempt. Miz charges for another running clothesline in the corner, but Cena moves. Cena is on fire with multiple shoulder blocks and a 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Attitude Adjustment by Cena. 3 count.  Cena wins. They just buried their Intercontinental Champion. Good one. That title will soon have as little value as the United States Championship does from the Santino Marella era. That match elevated the #1 contender. It was bad for Miz. It was bad for my eyes also. I was in a good mood to watch Raw live tonight. Now I’m starting to get irritated and angry knowing that I have to see Triple H talk for a half hour and Lawler wrestle later.  That’s like knowing that your going to have diarrhea and a hemorrhoid later and having to anticipate it.

Daniel Bryan goes to anger management. A guy is saying that his boss takes credit for everything he does. Bryan is falling asleep. The doctor asks him how he feels. Bryan says that his boss is his ex fiance, who left him at the altar, and put him in a match with her demonic boy toy. The doctor says that the last patient has arrived.  It’s Kane. He sits down in a chair beside Bryan in his metal mask. The wearing of the metal mask made me laugh. He didn’t say or do anything. He just looked at Bryan. That was funny. Now I’m getting happier. Then Heath Slater comes out. Continuing to get happier.

“The One Man Band” Heath Slater vs. Santino Marella: If Santino wins I’m turning this crap off. Leg lock take over by Santino. He spins around Slater’s body in comedic fashion. Slater does air guitar. Santino mocks him and is punched in the face. “Wooing” stomps by Slater. Two count. Last time I checked stomps shouldn’t gain a pin fall attempt. They aren’t strong enough. Slater chokes Santino against the ropes. The crowd starts a “boring” chant. Slater climbs the turnbuckle, but Santino rolls to the other side. He climbs the other side, but Santino again rolls. Slater moves towards Santino and is caught in a roll up for a two count. Thank god that wasn’t the finish. Santino is now on fire with punches and clotheslines. He puts on the Cobra. Aksana’s music hits. She walks out to the stage and poses. The Cobra won’t stop looking at her. Slater grabs Santino, but when he turns he hits Slater with the Cobra. Santino gets the three count and wins. What a joke. Santino runs up the ramp as if The Cobra is leading him. That isn’t funny. The Cobra isn’t funny. Santino isn’t funny. Where the hell is Antonio Cesaro? He’s your United States Champion. Why is he not being featured? This Raw sucks. And Aksana is ugly.

“The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactyls and Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes: Sandow says that Rhodes is the only person he can have an intelligent conversation with. Rhodes takes forgettable shots at Clay and Sin Cara on the mic. The start of the match is cut off by commercial. The first thing we see is a Cody Rhodes running knee to the face on Sin Cara. Sandow is tagged in and uses a Russian leg sweep. Fancy elbow drop with a big long name by Sandow. Tag to Rhodes who stomps at Sin Cara. Sin Cara sends Rhodes off the ropes and hits a hurricanrana. Hot tag to Clay. Running clotheslines on Rhodes. Running powerslam. The pin fall is broken up Sandow. Sin Cara sends Sandow over the top rope and dives on him to the outside. Rhodes goes for the Beautiful Disaster Kick, but Clay headbutts him on the way down. Nice spot. Running splash by Clay for the win. Stupid kids get in the ring to dance with Clay and Sin Cara after the match. Yes Sin Cara is dancing. What the hell. He joins the ranks of historically bad dancers. That list includes Kurt Angle, Lance Storm, and Rhino.

Daniel Bryan and Kane are in anger management. The doctor asks Kane to take off his metal mask. The rest of the people in the group are scared of him. The doctor asks Kane to say something about himself. He says he’s the devil’s favorite demon. The doctor wants him to share something from his child hood. Bryan says “this is a bad idea.” Kane tells the story of how he was locked in the basement while his brother set his parents on fire. He buried his brother alive twice, set a man’s testicles on fire, had a girlfriend named Katie that didn’t work out, left his father Paul Bearer in a meat locker, and has an obsession with torturing Pete Rose. Ha! Funniest thing of the night by far. Definitely the highlight of the night. When Kane is the highlight of the night you know it’s a bad show. That was seriously funny though. The Katie Vick reference was good. Look that one up. The doctor wants the class to make an anger collage. Bryan wants to know what the hell an anger collage is. He asks if this is therapy or arts and crafts. A guy from the class wants to hug Kane. Kane grabs him around his throat. That seems to conclude these videos. They were decent. Bryan is the best character in the company. Daniel Bryan was portrayed in a light fashion tonight. But that was only for comical effect. He will continue to be a heel. Don’t count on a face turn anytime soon.

R-Truth w/ Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan: Daniel Bryan does not come out shouting. He is trying to put his anger management training into effect. Bryan does a fist pump to Truth to start the match. This again puts over the idea that Bryan is trying to suppress his anger. A clean tie up and head lock take over by Bryan. The crowd chants “goat face.” Bryan does his best to stay composed. Bryan fist pumps Little Jimmy. Then he pushes Truth into the corner and hits a series of hard kicks. He charges Truth in the opposite corner, but Truth gets his legs up. Running back elbow by Truth. He uses that spinney clothesline he does. Bryan charges Truth and is back body dropped to the outside floor. Truth follows him out and upper cuts Bryan.

Truth picks up the microphone and talks to Little Jimmy. Truth yells “YES YES YES” into the microphone. Bryan begins to shout “NO NO NO!” He shouts “NO” into the face of a guy at ringside who shouts “YES” back in his face. Daniel Bryan is counted out. R-Truth wins. Bryan goes crazy and flips the ring steps. He runs into the run shouting “NO.” Nice progression of character throughout the match. I’ll take it. The match certainly wasn’t long enough though. None of the matches have been long. Pretty terrible to have a series of short matches. I’m also absolutely sick of R-Truth and the Little Jimmy angle. I’m sick of he and Kofi being the tag team champions as well. They need to drop the titles and Kofi needs to turn heel. He’s never been a heel and he’s very stale. I like this gimmick that Bryan is doing but it’s forcing him to be stuck in mid card hell. I want Bryan to be champion now. I can’t wait until this mad man thing is over. Daniel Bryan is the best in the world. Deal with it.

Triple H comes to the ring. He says everyone wants to know if he’s going to retire. Really? Who wants to know? I don’t.  I really don’t care. I’d actually like to fast forward this promo. I was seriously dreading having to watch this tonight. It actually made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Like when your in college and you know a big paper is due soon. That kinda feeling. You just don’t wanna do it and really just want to get it over with. So let’s get this over with. Triple H is rambling. Something about wrestling retiring him before he retired it. He never wanted to be the guy that hung on too long. Your waaaaayyyyy past that Hunter. He finds himself at this cross road. That cross road came in about 2009. He missed it. Triple H says he’s broken again. His arm is in a cast once again. He says he wants to say that he will rise up again and kick Brock Lesnar’s ass. But he can’t say that because he’s not sure that he can. Lesnar has forced him to ask himself if he’s done. Are we supposed to say “awwwwwww poor Hunter?” Everything isn’t about me anymore waaahhhhhh. So we’re supposed to feel sorry for him for not being in the spotlight anymore.

Triple H rambles on about guys in the back sacrificing for the entertainment of the people. Triple H begins to cry. He thanks the people for letting him “play the game.” He says he hopes he gave everyone something that they will never forget. The crowd chants “thank you Hunter.” The mood has certainly changed. It actually appears as if Triple H is done with wrestling. He is sincere. He is naturally crying. He poses in the ring to a crowd pop. He shakes hands on the way out. Goodbye Triple H. I appreciate what you did before the year 2006. One of the greatest ever because of that time span. He carried D-Generation X after Shawn’s injury and helped to keep the Attitude Era going. His reign with Stephanie McMahon was legendary. His group Evolution helped put Batista and Randy Orton on the map. (And then he buried Randy Orton . . . because he liked to bury people.) He hasn’t contributed much in the last six years by continually being political and putting all the focus on himself. But his impact in the history of wrestling can’t be denied. This obviously isn’t goodbye forever, as we will still see him in angles. I also wouldn’t be surprised to see him wrestle another match or two over the next five years or so, but only at Wrestlemania, if at all.

Chris Jericho’s music hits. Dolph Ziggler comes out instead. “Expecting someone else?” He tells the crowd how he cost Jericho his WWE contract. “You will never eeeeeeever see Jericho again.” I get it. That’s Jericho’s catch phrase. I get it. This promo furthers my thinking that Jericho will be back before long. He may only take a few months to finish his current tour. Hopefully he’s back right after that.

World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus and Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez: Where is Vickie Guerrero? I guess she’s selling the attack by AJ? This match is going to be long and mediocre. I can feel it. Orton and Ziggler tie up to start. Shoulder block by Orton followed by a clothesline. He bounces Ziggler’s legs off the ropes, then hits a suplex. Del Rio hits the ring and is back body dropped to the outside. Sheamus jumps off the apron and shoulder blocks Del Rio on the floor. Orton hits a snap power slam on Ziggler. Ziggler rolls to the outside. That’s a commercial spot.

Back from break Del Rio is working Orton on the outside floor. He gets him in the ring, tags Ziggler, and they double team Orton. Ziggler hits a jumping elbow drop. A boring chin lock is fought out of. High knee lift by Ziggler results in a two count. Del Rio is tagged in and immediately goes for a pin fall.  Really? A pin fall? First of all, the high knee wasn’t even good enough for Ziggler to go for a pin fall attempt on.  It definitely doesn’t have enough impact for two pin fall attempts? Couldn’t you have thought of anything better? Thank god Orton kicked out after a one count. He’s the king of going for pinfalls too early so he should know that a one count was necessary. That bothers me. So Del Rio is sent over the top rope and to the floor.

Hot tag to Sheamus. Lots of shoulder blocks. Ziggler kicks him in the face. He goes for the Fame Asser, but is caught in the Irish Curse Back Breaker. Del Rio kicks Sheamus in the head to break the fall. Ziggler picks up his Money in the Bank briefcase, but is stopped by Orton. Brogue Kick by Sheamus. He pins Ziggler. Sheamus and Orton win. Another fairly short mediocre match. Three hours of Raw apparently means more mediocre matches. At first it used to mean longer matches. Now it’s just more matches that are short. I now officially prefer the two hour format. Only because the writers aren’t good enough to make this three hour thing work. This is as bad as that 3 hour WCW Nitro crap. It has the potential to be so much better. What a shame. If only they knew how to use their talent.

Jerry Lawler is in the back. He is talking to someone off camera. He tells him that he has to beat CM Punk on his own. The camera pans and it’s John Cena. Shocker. Lawler tells Cena not to interfere. He is fighting Punk for himself. Cena wishes him luck.

Kane comes to the ring. Josh Mathews is on commentary and he’s scared. He was attacked by Kane a few weeks ago. Mathews takes off his headset and runs through the crowd. Kane sits down in his chair. He puts on the commentary head set. He is quiet and doesn’t answer any of Michael Cole’s questions. Zack Ryder comes out. Oh god, Kane is going to kill him again. Isn’t Kane supposed to be a heel? Why is he still involved with Ryder? Only to further bury him?

Zack Ryder vs. David Otunga: Kick by Otunga to start. Ryder reverses punches in the corner. Otunga back bumps him. “Let’s go Ryder Woo Woo Woo” chants from the crowd. Otunga clotheslines Ryder in the corner and hits another running clothesline. Two count and a chin lock. Kane is still silent on commentary. Cole isn’t sitting beside him, he’s standing up. He tries to prompt him for answers, but gets nothing. Suplex by Otunga. He works the neck once again. Ryder isn’t getting enough shine in this match. He does reverse an Irish whip by face planting Otunga. He goes to the second rope, but his legs are swept off.

Otunga shoots Ryder off the ropes, but Ryder ducks, and hits hits the Rough Ryder. 1-2-3. Ryder wins! Ryder wins! Ryder wins! Kane hits the ring and grabs Ryder by his throat. He let’s go of Ryder and then choke slams Otunga. Ryder goes up the ramp confused. I’m assuming that they will become broskis. That would be pretty funny. I can see Kane on his web show, wearing his merchandise, and fist pumping with him. Lot’s of potential in that angle. Please do it. It’ll put Ryder on television more too. Ryder and Kane for best Broskis! I want them to be tag team champions. I also want to see Kane vs. Harold (the guy that tried to hug Kane at anger management.)  Book it. Wrestlemania 29. How about Kane and Ryback vs. Harold and Stan Stansky?

Josh Mathews is in the ring. He’s magically unphased by the Kane segment. He reveals the results of tonight’s Twitter vote. People had to vote on what kind of match Punk vs Lawler would be. They picked a cage match. I voted for #WWENoMatchAtAll. AJ Lee comes out. She announces that Punk will defend his title against John Cena at Night of Champions. Wasn’t that already established last week? I guess they just wanted to show AJ one more time on tv.

Steel Cage Match: WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler: CM Punk is now 12th on the all time list for longest WWE Championship title reign. Awesome. I hope he holds the title 7 more years and breaks the record. Punk is going to give Lawler the first shot of the match. He taunts Lawler. Punch to the face by Punk. Punk super bumps and crawls to the corner. Kick to the shin by Punk. Followed by more kicks and knees in the corner. Neck breaker by Punk. He clubs at Lawler’s chest from behind his body. He stomps Lawler on the mat. The match is moving pretty slowly. You can’t expect much more with an old man in the ring. Punk goes to escape the cage, but runs back down, and attacks Lawler. Hard grounded drop kick to the face. Spot of the night. Punk climbs the top rope, but Lawler takes out his legs. Lawler attempts to escape the cage through the door, but Punk drags him back in, and drops multiple elbows across his chest. At least 7 elbows. Awesome. Punk keeps saying “I’m the new King of Memphis.” He’s actually singing it.

Punk attempts another neck breaker, but Lawler counters, and sends Punk face first into the steel cage. Lawler uses multiple standing punches on Punk. He hits a clothesline and then punches away at Punk’s head. Lawler goes to the second rope and uses his dropping fist drop. He covers Punk for the two count. Lawler tries to exit the cage, but Punk jumps up and stops him. Running high knee to the face in the corner by Punk. Punk’s head is busted open. He obviously bladed after Lawler’s grounded punches. I haven’t seen somebody blade in a long time. Punk grabs Lawler and hooks in the Anaconda Vice. Lawler taps out. Punk exits the cage and gets a tool kit from under the ring. He locks the cage door shut with a metal chain.

Punk grabs Lawler around his neck and wants him to say that Punk is the best in the world. Lawler says “hell no.” He is then hit with at least 15 elbows to the face. Ha! Loved it. He asks Lawler again to say it. This is like a bad I Quit match. Punk bashes his forearms into Lawler’s head. Cena comes running out. He can’t get in the chain locked door. Where is Mark Henry when you need him? Oh that’s right, he botched the chain break and couldn’t get in himself. Cena screams at Punk. Punk drops his knees into Lawler’s face over and over. Finally the cage begins to raise. Cena rushes in the ring while Punk exits. Punk walks up the ramp slowly with his hand in the air. He says “I am the best wrestler in the world” as Raw goes off the air.

Great finish. I really liked that closing segment. It was brutal and barbaric. Good stuff. The rest of the show was pretty bad. I was happy to see Ryder with a match. Very happy to actually see him winning a match. What are they thinking not showing off their new United States Champion Antonio Cesaro? It’s pathetic. As pathetic as the rest of that show was. Too many bad short matches. I want wrestling. And I didn’t get any good wrestling. I got good Daniel Bryan backstage segments though. But that isn’t wrestling.  There are some promising story lines that could be happening.  Ryder and Kane as Broskis is money. The bottom line is that we’re at a bad point in wrestling. Nothing significant will happen until January when The Rock comes back for a match. Hopefully Lesnar returns for an angle before then. Nothing else seems promising because they don’t know how to use their own talent.

Bryan and Punk are now heels, so they can’t possibly feud again. Who else can Punk feud with? Cena? No thanks. Orton? Already seen that. Sheamus? Doesn’t make sense without a title unification, that they won’t do. Mysterio? Please no. I can’t think of anything. So why did he turn heel again? Only to face The Rock at Royal Rumble. Until then he’s on cruise control. He’s in danger of becoming stale. Angles like the one tonight will help fight that, but it can’t be fought forever. They better think of something fresh for Punk. Can they involve him in an angle with Stone Cold? That would be awesome. But it won’t happen because Austin had surgery. What ideas can you guys come up with?

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