This recap and analysis of WWE’s Monday Night Raw are the personal opinions of the writer. The author of this article is a former promoter, writer, and referee in the wrestling industry. You won’t find analysis as accurate as this anywhere else on the internet.
WWE Monday Night Raw Results 3/12/12
Jerry “The King” Lawler is in the ring to start the show. He puts over the rap and rock concert that will happen later on. The Rock will sing, and John Cena will rap. He introduces John Cena. Cena comes out to his old “thuganomics” theme and is dressed like it’s 2004. He’s wearing his throw back yo boy garbage. He starts rapping right away. I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to recap a rap concert. I’ve never had to or wanted to do that before. He calls The Rock a GI Joke…and it rhymed with something. Because apparently that’s what this rap thing does…it rhymes. In rhyming fashion he says The Rock had surgery on his boobies, and that he’s getting a Cleveland steamer. Apparently it’s tradition for the crowd to say “oooooooh” after each line. I don’t get it. Cena says he’s gonna put his nuts in The Rock’s face and has a prop bag of nuts. Yes Cena brought a prop. And the segment ends. Pretty short actually. That wasn’t worth a week full of promos. Word Life and #thuganomics are trending on Twitter.
Vickie Guerrero comes out. She says daylight savings time should be illegal. Why so? Because it denies the world an extra hour of seeing Dolph Ziggler! Gag. Ziggler makes his way to the ring.
Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Sheamus- Sheamus attempts to tie up to start, but Ziggler spins out of it and show boats. Ziggler breaks the second tie up with an elbow to the back. Sheamus wrestles him to the ground and rubs his forearm in his face. Back to their feet, Sheamus uses a shoulder block. Ziggler gets up but he’s met with a headlock takedown. The pace is pretty slow so far. Ziggler gets up, pushes Sheamus into the ropes, reverses an Irish Whip, but is hit with another shoulder block. Ziggler attempts to roll to the outside but he’s caught over the ropes. Sheamus goes for his chest pounds but Ziggler gets free. That takes us to our first commercial break of the night. Interesting that there wasn’t a break between the Cena segment and this match. That gives you an idea of how short the Cena segment was. Dr. of Thuganomics, Dolph Ziggler, Vickie Guerrero, and Billy Gunn are trending on Twitter. Why Billy Gunn? Because people think Ziggler is ripping off Gunn with his look and pink tights.
Back from commercial Billy Gunn…errr Ziggler is in an arm lock. After he gets up we get a couple of reversed Irish Whips followed by Ziggler being hip tossed over the top rope. Vickie distracts Sheamus as Ziggler comes from behind with a clothesline. Very nasty spot as Ziggler tosses Sheamus into the announce table pretty hard. Sheamus flips upside down and goes back first into it. Not really sure how that psychologically makes sense seeing how Ziggler is the smaller guy, but at least it looked cool. That was more of a big man throwing a cruiserweight kind of spot. Ziggler throws him back in the ring and uses a chin lock. At this point the cameras travel to a sky box where Daniel Bryan is with AJ. Josh Matthews asks Bryan if he was rude on Smackdown when he told AJ to shut up. AJ says that he’s not rude to her. Bryan tells people to leave their relationship alone. Why won’t AJ just turn heel? I know it will get Bryan more heat to abuse a little woman, but it would probably be more entertaining if she turned heel and was actually with him. I know she played a spoiled princess gimmick in FCW, so it would work.
Back down to the ring where Sheamus takes control. He face plants Ziggler off the ropes for a two count. Ziggler goes to the top rope for an axe handle but hes caught on Sheamus’ back. He goes for his new finisher, but Ziggler rolls down in a pin attempt. Sheamus stands straight up from the pin and attempts the move, but he doesn’t have full control of Ziggler. So he has to slam him instead of using the maneuver. It looked bad. Ziggler kicks out, reverses an Irish Whip, and hits a Billy Gunn “Fame Asser.” Two count. When they both get up Sheamus hits a random Brogue Kick for the win. Daniel Bryan looks angry in the skybox. AJ is in a daze and didn’t realize she was on camera. She looked pretty bored. Mediocre match overall. I hope that’s not the end of Daniel Bryan tonight. Speaking of…Daniel Bryan is trending on Twitter. Yes yes yes yes yes.
Michael Cole announces the General Manager Wrestlemania match. Each General Manager will have a team of 6 guys. The winning GM will take over as GM of both brands. Those of you who follow this article know that I called this many many many weeks ago. The proof is on previous articles.
John Laurinaitis comes down to the ring. He is on commentary. There is supposed to be a mixed tag match. Santino and Aksana come out for their match. Absolutely huge pop for Santino. It surprised me. David Otunga comes down. Laurinaitis grabs the mic and says that he changed his mind. Instead of a mixed tag match it’s now a handicap match. Mark Henry comes out to be Otunga’s partner. Teddy Long comes out to ringside and grabs Aksana off the apron.
United States Champion Santino Marella vs. David Otunga and Mark Henry- David Otunga attacks Santino from behind. Teddy Long and Laurinatis get in each other’s face. Teddy Long pushes Laurinaitis down again. This time he lands over the lap of Michael Cole. Santino hits a hip toss on Otunga. He does a split and a clothesline. Santino goes for the Cobra but he’s knocked down by Mark Henry. Henry tags himself in, hits the World’s Strongest Slam, and pins Santino. The match is over. Henry and Otunga pick Santino up and attempt to double team him. Kofi Kingston runs down for the save. Henry clotheslines Kofi and hits another World’s Strongest Slam. R-Truth comes running down. Otunga meets him at the ropes with some punches. Headbutt by Mark Henry. Otunga hits R-Truth with his finisher. Mark Henry hits Truth with a big splash. Laurinaitis announces Mark Henry as the newest member of his team. Michael Cole says that Otunga is the team captain. Looks like Santino is the captain of the other team.
So it looks like they will take their time to build these tag teams. Which kinda adds a little bit of credibility to the match. I’m sure the actual match will be a quick 5 minute match at Wrestlemania, which is used just to squeeze all of these guys on the card. I was hoping they would add Randy Orton and Kane to this match. I really don’t want to see them have a 1 on 1 match. So as of right now it looks like its Otunga/Henry with 4 more guys vs. Santino/Kofi/Truth with 3 more guys. Alberto Del Rio and Christian will likely be on the heel team seeing how they were involved at the start of this storyline at the Elimination Chamber. Ziggler and Swagger could be the other two. The match better be an elimination match. If it’s not I’ll take a bathroom break when it’s on. Mark Henry is trending on Twitter. That’s the highlight of his life.
An “Extra” Maria Menounos package airs. She interviewed Alicia Fox and The Bella Twins. Yes I had to look up how to spell her name because nobody watches Extra.
Eve Torres and Zack Ryder are in the back. Ryder says that he’s confused. He asks Eve if she’s playing him? She says no and that they should be friends with benefits. She wants to have dinner with him. Zack is excited and he’s in. Beth Phoenix comes up to Eve and says it should be her in that Maria Menounos package. Eve agrees. They ask Ryder to walk away. Beth says it’s great how she pulls Ryder’s strings. She asks Eve if she minds if she does the same. Eve gets angry and says that she does mind. Beth Phoenix looks angry. What’s the point of this? A Beth vs. Eve heel vs. heel feud? That’s not likely. Maybe all of the heel divas will fight over Ryder. Which will really put him over at the end of the storyline. Beth Phoenix is trending on Twitter.
John Laurinaitis in on the phone when The Miz walks up. Miz asks when he’s going to be named to Laurinaitis’ team since he main evented Wrestlemania last year. He brings in the star of Psych James Roday. Yes I had to Google how to spell his name because nobody watches Psych. They talk about how The Miz is the guest star on Psych this week. Laurinaitis says that The Miz has a match and if he wins, he is on the team. Laurinaitis asks James to be the guest ring announcer. James says that he’s going to Finkle it up. Miz asks who his opponent is. Laurinaitis says that it’s CM Punk. Miz is angry. Time for him to job again. James Roday is trending on Twitter.
Jinder Mahal vs. “The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay- He’s finally back and out of the doghouse. If only The Miz could get to that point. And apparently he’s still the only living breathing Funkasaurus in captivity. That’s fascinating. Clay dances his way down the aisle and into the ring with his dancers. Mahal jumps Clay from behind. He runs at Clay but is hit with a headbutt. T-Bone suplex by Clay. Big splash off the ropes. That’s it. Clay wins. What happened to the “Funk It” finisher? Just a splash now? Well that’s stupid. So was that 2 minute match. After weeks of pushing Mahal on Smackdown, he’s jobs in 2 minutes. So much for Clay actually wrestling a legitimate match. If these matches are going to stay short they need to do something else. How about leaving his music play the whole way through it? Jinder Mahal, Brodus Clay, and #somebodycallmymama are all trending on Twitter.
Some guy named Machine Gun Kelly is sitting at ringside. They acknowledged it, which is the only reason why I did.
Shawn Michaels comes to the ring. I fear that I now have to listen to a half hour promo. He shows the clip of Triple H saying that people call him a failure behind his back. Shawn says that he walks around the locker room and nobody says that to him. This Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels best friend rivalry fails in comparison to Rick vs. Shane from The Walking Dead. Shane was the best. I hate baby faces. So anyways, Shawn Michaels calls out The Undertaker. 12 minutes later The Undertaker is finished his entrance. Shawn said they did something that people will remember forever. Michaels accuses Undertaker of saying things behind his back. Undertaker pretty much says that those are Triple H’s words and not his. So this is pretty much something that you would hear on an elementary school playground. Michaels says that he knows who will win at Wrestlemania. Undertaker tells him to leave his ego out of it. He wants the outcome to be pure. If the outcome isn’t pure there will be hell to pay. Michaels says its ironic that he could be the guy to make him lose. Now this promo is sounding like a bad Alanis Morissette song. You know, the one where she sings about irony, but nothing in the song is actually ironic. I can’t believe I’ve had to Google how to spell Maria Menounos, James Roday, and Alanis Morissette all in one night. Undertaker says something about ending Michaels. He also says that Wrestlemania is April 21st. So he’s 20 days off. Michaels walks out of the ring and past Triple H, who is standing on the ramp. Triple H looks at Undertaker and does the “suck it” sign.
Really??? This is awful. What a joke. Triple H vs. Undertaker is awful. The promos have been awful. The symbolism has been awful. The storyline has been awful. The build has been awful. The idea of needing a gimmick match for The Undertaker’s 20th Wrestlemania match is awful. Please stop building this crap. Just make it happen at Wrestlemania, beat the hell out of each other, tell a good story, and save yourselves. I know the match will be good. Those two epic legends will make sure it will be. But everything else involving it is just plain awful. “Taker” and “The Undertaker” are trending on Twitter.
James Roday comes out. He does the Triple H suck it sign. He does the whole Rock “finally” thing. He makes jokes about being a white guy, the match being for approximately one fall (whatever the hell that means), and The Miz being tan. The crowd booed a little. He put’s The Miz over and gets the crowd to pop when he announces that they are in The Miz’s hometown. Then he announces CM Punk liking shakes, or something like that. Who knows? I really don’t care at this point.
WWE Champion CM Punk vs. The Miz- Tie up to start. Miz goes for a quick roll up. Two count. Nice desperation move. Makes sense given The Miz’s recent mentality. Punk hits some hard kicks in the shins. He runs off the ropes and is hit with a knee to the gut. That takes us to commercial. Figures. I’m kinda moody tonight because I haven’t really seen any wrestling. This was my one chance to see it. Back from break we get an abdominal stretch by Miz. Punk gets out and hits a series of clotheslines. High knee in the corner, followed by a bulldog. He goes for the Go To Sleep, but Miz fights out. Flapjack into the corner and a DDT from the knees by Miz. Miz continues the desperation psychology by freaking out on every near fall. Miz goes to the top rope and misses an axehandle. Punk picks him up for another GTS, buts its countered into a Skull Crushing Finale attempt. Punk rolls through and hooks The Miz in an Anaconda Vice. Miz taps out. Thus progressing his jobber status.
Chris Jericho is on the big screen. He claps for Punk and calls him a fraud. He has a dirty dark secret about CM Punk. He wants to tell people that CM Punk is straight edge because his father is an alcoholic. He says that alcohol is in Punk’s blood. He says the pain of fighting alcohol temptations are the reason why he hides behind a tattoo needle. He says that after Wrestlemania he will make CM Punk drink. And then he will become an alcoholic. He calls Punk’s father a pathetic drunk. Punk walks to the back slowly and the cameras stay with him instead of cutting to break. I kinda wish they would have cut to break. It really wasn’t that dramatic. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Cmon!!!!!!!!! This feud had way too much potential for this crap. I seriously want to just stop watching Raw for the next few weeks and just skip ahead to Wrestlemania. The matches will be great, but the build is terrible. CM Drunk is trending on Twitter.
The Law Offices of David Otunga promo airs. And it was great. If you have a Twitter, you have a lawyer!! This was easily the best part of Raw tonight. And it was a quick 20 second full screen promo with a cheesy deep promo voice. The fullscreen did include Otunga’s bow tie and coffee mug!
Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero- Swagger didn’t even get an entrance. Tie up to start. Swagger works Orton to the mat with an arm bar. Orton uses a fireman’s carry to get out. He follows it up with body stomps, a clothesline, and tosses Swagger over the top rope. Orton follows him out and sends Swagger into the steel steps. Orton bounces Swagger’s head off the announce table multiple times. He tosses Swagger back into the ring as we go to commercial. Do those of you in Baltimore remember that awful Extreme Rules Pay Per View that was in Baltimore a few years ago? The one where Jack Swagger defeated Randy Orton clean in a match for the World Heavyweight Championship. Eww. Shad also wrestled JTG in a strap match. To this day that is one of the top 5 lowest rated PPV’s in WWE history.
Back from break swagger tosses Orton into the corner face first. He works the leg and ankle of Orton with numerous holds and stomps. Swagger goes for the Swagger Bomb, but Orton rolls out of the way. Swagger comes back with the ankle lock. Orton rolls to his back and kicks out of it. Swagger goes charging but is tossed to the outside of the apron. Guillotine by Orton dazes Swagger. Orton pulls him to the top rope from the apron and hits a superplex. Michael Cole says “its not often you see Randy doing that” to which I reply every single week….he does it every match Cole!!! Snap powerslam by Orton followed by the hanging DDT off the ropes. RKO from Orton for the win. Decent match. Best of the night by far. Punk and Miz had potential but it was too short. After the match ends an explosion happens and the arena lights turn red. But there isn’t any music. It’s all silence. Kane head games I assume. Instead of establishing that the production crew didn’t know what was predetermined they decided to cut away. Which gave the impression that what Kane just did was planned and known in the production truck. If they would have been confused they would have stayed with it. But because they knew that Kane wasn’t coming out, they cut to a recap video of Cena. I hate bad production. It ruins angles. Not that this angle didn’t already ruin itself or anything. Have I mentioned yet how awful Swagger’s haircut is? It definitely looks like a lego block.
A promo airs showing that Michaels, Triple H, and Undertaker will all be in the same ring next week. We also have to sit through John Cena vs. Mark Henry. Looks like another awful show. The Rock Concert is already trending on Twitter in preparation for the next segment.
The Rock comes to the ring with a guitar. He’s over tonight. Big crowd pop. Looks like the boos last week were only from Cena’s home town crowd. The Rock says tonight’s crowd is the biggest ever in Cleveland. He makes the crowd chant “Cleveland.” Worse than a Mick Foley cheap pop. Rock makes fun of Cena’s yo clothes and calls him Marky Mark. He says that isn’t the real Cena. He said the Cena he knows has come out each week looking like what would happen if Vanilla Ice had sex with a Telletubby. He says Cena likes the tele-tang. He shows a picture on the big screen that shows Vanilla Ice, a teletubby, and John Cena. He says tonight isn’t about rap because Cleveland rocks.
The Rock begins to sing. It’s to the tune of Elvis’ Jailhouse Rock. He calls Cena a jabroni and says Cena has a menstrual clock. He calls Cena an Eminem wannabe. The crowd loves this. They are clapping along. The next verse talks about Cena getting a rectal exam. Now he’s going to sing gossip about Cena and Eve. He says Cena was tugging on her weave. He says Cena was having the time of his life, I guess he didn’t tell her he’s got a wife. He sings divorce lawyers are right up the block. Everytime he sings Cleveland Rocks the crowd shouts it. Next he sings about the day Cena was born. The punch line is that little baby Cena had lady parts. Vanilla Ice and Teletubby are trending on Twitter now. So is #teletang. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
The Rock takes a break to ask if any men like Cena. The crowd boos. This next song is for anyone who likes him. They will never taste pie, they are a walking virgin, and they are 42. They also dress like Kirk and Spock. The next verse if for the woman who want to get with The Rock. He makes a joke about sleeping with Cena’s mom. “Cena’s mom can barely walk.” He wants the crowd to sing the last song. “We will Rock You.” plays. The Rock sings his own song, with the words on the big screen. He stumbles a little as this song is too fast. He doesn’t get started on time and messes up a few words. After each “we will rock you” phrase he has the crowd chant “Cena sucks.”
Good job overall by The Rock. A full rebound for him. He was highly entertaining as I thought he would be. His songs were funny and are worth Youtubing. The Rock needed this. I think Cena knew that The Rock had to be stronger tonight to build their feud for Wrestlemania. So Cena did a short and sweet rap and let The Rock have the spotlight. Very smart on Cena’s behalf. The Rock getting back to even playing ground just made this feud much better. This is the only feud that has been built the right way heading into Wrestlemania. How about the stuff about Cena cheating on his wife with Eve? That’s a pretty low blow if it’s true. I doubt it’s true, but The Rock said it was. Still a pretty big low blow. As Raw went off the air #RockConcert was the #1 trend worldwide on Twitter. Cleveland Rocks was also trending.
Another disappointing Raw overall. Only The Rock saved it. They are doing an awful job building these Wrestlemania feuds. As I said before, the matches will be good, but the builds are awful. There really isn’t much more to say. This road to Wrestlemania sucks.
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