This recap and analysis of WWE’s Monday Night Raw are the personal opinions of the writer. The author of this article is a former promoter, writer, and referee in the wrestling industry. You won’t find analysis as accurate as this anywhere else on the internet.
WWE Monday Night Raw Results 3/5/12
Raw begins with Shawn Michaels. He makes a joke about being blown up from his entrance. He recaps his appearance a few weeks ago. He says he really wanted Triple H to take The Undertaker’s challenge. Triple H’s music hits and he comes to the ring. Michaels continues to talk about how he tried everything to get Triple H to take the match. He rambles and rambles and rambles. Were already 8 minutes into the show and nothing has really happened. The crowd seems bored so they chant “Undertaker.” Finally at 10 minutes in we get a recap video of Undertaker saying that Shawn Michaels was always better than Triple H. Triple H accepts the match after that comment. When it ends they stare at each other in awkward silence. Shawn asks why the worst thing that someone could have said to Triple H to get him to accept is that Shawn is better than him. Triple H says he’s tired of hearing people talk behind Shawn’s back saying that he’s a failure. Triple H says it pains him to look at Shawn as a loser. At this point I’m hoping that this actually turns into a triple threat match. I want Shawn in this match. If that happens I care. The Hell in a Cell gimmick isn’t really needed for this.
Shawn says last year he watched Triple H lose and that he was right. Shawn says that this year he knows who’s going to win, and he will be right again. Michaels says he knows who will win because he is the special guest referee for the match. So there goes the triple threat thing. Of course they wouldn’t do something that exciting. By the way, “Triple Threat” is trending on Twitter. So is Shawn Michaels. So that’s it for this feud. Were getting Triple H vs. Undertaker inside Hell in a Cell with Shawn Michaels as the special referee. Lot’s of nostalgia and star power, yet not so exciting. Mainly because we’ve already seen Undertaker vs. Triple at Wrestlemania 3 times. So this match is what it is. I’m sure those two old guys will beat the hell out of each other and make it worth watching. I don’t doubt that. I’m sure it will be put on before The Rock vs. Cena match while the championship matches steal the show and get buried on the under card. Whoops, I forgot that someone last week asked me not to say “buried” again. I guess I should eliminate all wrestling terminology. The WWE is about to own the copyright to “kayfabe” after all.
United States Championship Match- Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler vs. Santino Marella- Were about to see Swagger’s first match on Raw in weeks. Michael Cole mentions that Teddy Long is running Raw tonight. You’d think they would have established that earlier. Cole asks what Santino has done to deserve a title shot. I’m not a fan of Santino as a face at all, but he did participate in the Elimination Chamber and finish second for the World Heavyweight Championship. Then the next night on Raw he eliminated Wade Barrett and Dolph Ziggler in a #1 contender battle royal. I’d say all of that qualifies him to get a mid card title shot. Especially against a paper champion who is never even on television and is holding Zack Ryder’s title as they rebuild him on the chase. The match begins. Swagger clubs away at Marella’s back. John Laurinaitis and David Otunga make their way down the ramp. Santino fights back with a hip toss and salute forearm drop. Santino puts on the cobra glove but Laurinaitis distracts the referee. Ziggler jumps up on the apron and hits Santino with a clothesline. Swagger hits a gutwrench powerbomb but Santino kicks out. Everyone thought that was the finish. Teddy Long’s music hits and he comes down the aisle with Aksana and Kofi Kingston. Long and Laurinaitis argue as we go to commercial.
Back from break the match is still going on. Both guys are knocked down as Laurinaitis hops up on the apron again. Teddy Long pulls him down. Santino runs off the ropes and Ziggler hits him again. Kofi pulls Ziggler off the apron. Santino hits the Cobra on Ziggler. He tries to do it to Vickie but she backs up and is pushed down by Aksana. Santino goes for the Cobra on Swagger, but he rolls through with an ankle lock. Teddy Long pushes Laurinaitis down for the third time. Santino grabs the rope, gets out, and rolls up Swagger for the win. Santino Marella is the new United States champion. Laurinaitis cuts off the announcement and says that Raw is his show. Teddy Long calls for security to throw him out. Teddy has them re-announce that Santino is the new champion. Santino cries and holds the title up. Santino, Teddy, Kofi Kingston, and Aksana celebrate with the trombone. Santino Marella, United States Champion, and Teddy Long are all trending on Twitter.
Okay okay okay….time out. What just happened? First of all, why did they repeat the almost exact same spot before and after the commercial break? That was awful. A terribly repetitive match. Teddy Long pushed Laurinaitis down 3 times! Unnecessary. Second of all, why was Kofi Kingston out there? I thought that he came out with Teddy to be teamed with Santino in a tag match. There was seriously no reason for him to be there. That was completely random. Obviously its a segway into Kofi being a part of this eventual Team Laurinaitis vs. Team Long match at Wrestlemania. Or he could start to feud with Ziggler for the 17th time. Either way it’s a weak way of booking the start of a new storyline. It was effortless to just have him appear and be in this new angle. That’s the best they could come up with? I guess Santino is a better champion than Swagger is.
The Rock is in Boston. He filmed a video earlier in the day from John Cena’s home town. The Rock talks about The Rock’s revolution. He says that they are going to have their own Boston tea party. He takes a bunch of Cena merchandise and throws it over the bridge and into the water. He pulls out some kids shorts and calls them midget shorts. He says it’s an insult to midgets. He calls Cena’s wristbands wonder woman wrist bands. He says it makes Cena look like a transvestite when he wears them. He makes fun of a Cena garden gnome and says that some 45 year old man has one…and he’s a virgin. He sniffs the John Cena cologne and says it smells like beer, fruity pebbles, and possum piss. Rock says that he’s going all around Boston for history lessons before he ends up in the ring. Hilarious!
Rock is great when he doesn’t have to shoot. The Rock comes from an era where storylines were made to look real. Because of social media storylines today are actually becoming real. People have access to hear what John Cena has to say 24/7 on Twitter. So they are more in the know of what’s going on in reality. Because of this the WWE has adapted to social media and are starting to merge these feuds into realism. The Rock never had to deal with that. This is why he struggled last week in participating in this new style. If you want The Rock to talk trash, make you laugh, and progress an angle, he will do it better than anyone in the world. But if you want him to do a legit shoot and talk about real beef with someone, he won’t compare to guys like Cena and CM Punk. Because those guys are used to doing it. This is why The Rock was embarrassed last week. And I kinda felt bad for him. Because that wasn’t his real element. Tonight he is back in his element. And he was incredibly entertaining. I’m looking forward to more tonight. The Rock and Boston Harbor are trending on Twitter.
Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres- Kelly Kelly is on commentary. Jerry Lawler puts over how she is nominated for a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award. Eve vs. Alica has potential. They once had a great matches when they feuded over the Diva’s Championship. Yes Eve actually had good matches. Tie up to start. Eve hits a shoulder block. Leap frog by Alicia, followed by multiple highly impressive counters. Eventually Eve catches Alicia with a powerbomb. The move was a bit botched. Eve gets the pinfall for the win. “Woo woo woo you know it” here comes Zack Ryder. Ryder says “broskis before hoeskis.” The crowd pops and chants “hoeski.” Hoeskis, #wwwyki, Alicia Fox, and Kelly Kelly are all trending on Twitter. WWE is DOMINATING Twitter tonight…more than usual…ratings must be through the roof on The Rock/Cena followup.
Eve Torres runs up to Zack Ryder in the back. She kisses him. Ryder likes it. He smiles. #PoorZack. He’s going to get played again.
John Cena is sitting in an empty arena. He is talking to himself. Not even looking at a camera. Cena puts their match over and says he has to win. He talks about the New England Patriots going undefeated and then losing the Super Bowl. He says nobody remembers second place. Cena says that if he doesn’t win he becomes another name in The Rock’s notebook. He says he has to walk into The Rock’s hometown and win the big one on the grandest stage of them all. He says this Wrestlemania will break every record in the history of the WWE. He says nobody will remember second place. That was a unique promo. I’m okay with it. It was a different pace than The Rock’s. The talking tonight is great (minus Shawn Michaels.) John Cena is trending on Twitter.
So does Cena really need to win? He’s in a great spot. If he wins its great for him. If he loses it’s also great for him. If he goes out there and puts The Rock over in his hometown, at Wrestlemania, and given the circumstances, he looks like the greatest guy in the world. After all that was said, after him getting the upper hand in promos, and after a loss, Cena will do something more honorable than anyone else in the industry has ever had to do. And Cena will do it with class. I can see him shaking hands afterward. Hogan put Rock over. Rock probably won’t put Cena over. That makes The Rock look like the biggest ass in the world. And Cena the greatest guy. When Hogan wouldn’t put Michaels over at Summerslam in 2005, Michaels made an ass out of himself and oversold. He was absolutely hilarious, but it wasn’t the best thing to do. Cena won’t do it that way. He will stay true to his gimmick, stay true to the kind of guy he is in real life, and will put the guy over. And he will deserve a lot of credit when he does that.
WWE Champion CM Punk and Sheamus vs. World Heavywight Champion Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho w/ AJ- WWE wants people to tweet #bestintheworld with either Punk or Jericho’s name for their vote on who the best in the world is. Forget that. Daniel Bryan is the best in the world. He had the name before both of them. He is the World Heavyweight Champion yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. CM Punk and Chris Jericho start things off. Interesting. Tie up to start. Headlock by Jericho, rolled through by Punk. Same spot reversed. Jericho pushes Punk’s head, and Punk comes back with a shoulder block. Leap frog by Punk, monkey flip by Jericho, a few reverses, and multiple clotheslines by Punk. Jericho rolls to the apron and tags in Bryan. Great start. Very fast. Just a preview of how amazing their Wrestlemania match will be. Now its Bryan and Punk in the same ring. Yes yes yes yes. Sheamus is tagged in after a headlock. No no no no. Sheamus leapfrogs and catches Bryan over the ropes. Hard chest pounds through the ropes. “CM Punk and Sheamus” is trending on Twitter. Punk is tagged back in. Punk vs. Bryan. Yes yes yes yes. Hard kicks by Punk. He runs off the ropes but Jericho kicks him in the back. Tag to Jericho. No no no no. Commercial. #bestintheworld is the #1 trend worldwide on Twitter. Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho are also trending on Twitter. Back from commercial Jericho hits a sidewalk slam on Punk. Hard knee to the face. Jericho runs off the rope but Punk pops up with a single leg dropkick. Hot tag to Sheamus. Short clotheslines on Jericho. Body slam to Jericho and a shoulder block to Bryan. Irish Curse back breaker to Jericho. He goes to the outside of the apron but Daniel Bryan grabs his leg. Dropkick by Jericho sends Sheamus to the mat. Daniel Bryan comes running with a knee to the face on the outside. Nasty! This match is awesome. Sheamus is thrown back in the ring and almost makes a tag to Punk, but he’s cut off by Jericho. Jericho kicks him in the head multiple times. Sheamus tries to punch back but he’s caught in a chin lock. Sheamus fights back up and pushes Jericho in the corner. Jericho attempts a bulldog but Sheamus sends him knee first into the corner. Hot tag to Punk, tag to Bryan. Yes yes yes yes. Clothesline off the top rope by Punk. He’s holding his back. he better not be hurt. He’s probably just selling, but the commercial break broke the match psychology for me to be able to tell. Big slam followed by a Macho Man Flying Elbow. Bryan counters with a roll up. He kicks Punk into the corner. Sheamus is in and attempts a Celtic Cross but its countered. They get dumped to the outside and only Jericho and Punk remain in the ring. Punk uses a small package but Jericho reverses it into his own. Jericho gets the three count and pins the champion. Jericho grabs Punk’s title and celebrates. Great match. I loved it. Great build for Jericho. Great way to put him over. Great great great. Or as I’d rather say…. yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. Funny story. There was a sign in the crowd that said “Colt of Personality.” CM Punk’s theme song is “Cult of Personality.” Colt Cabana is Punk’s good friend. Thus we get “Colt of Personality.” WWE needs to sign Colt Cabana.
The Rock is at a Paul Revere statue. He has a Cena cardboard cut out. He says if Cena was Paul Revere he would have been shot for his ridiculous outfit. Rock talks about making a time machine to travel back in time to whoop Cena’s ass. He says he’s 25% black 25% samoan and 50% Clydesdale. (That’s a penis joke.) He says Ben Franklin would say screw the light, that man created electricity. He talks about how he would give them Boston pie. He puts an old school hat on and sings a Yankee Doodle song about Cena. They even cue music for it. He sings that Cena had a feather in his hat and they called him a jabroni. The crowd popped for that. Entertaining once again. A great comedy act. I’m highly entertained tonight. Paul Revere is trending on Twitter. How great is that?
The Miz vs. The Big Show- Big Show charges Miz, but he rolls out of the ring. Cody Rhodes comes out immediately. He has a clip from Wrestlemania 18. “Cody Rhodes Presents: Another Embarassing Big Show Wrestlemania Moment.” The Big Show is stuck at the WWE New York restaurant. He yells “Wrestlemania baby woooo.” There is a fullscreen that says “woooo” with a picture of Big Show’s face. That made me laugh out loud. Miz attacks Big Show from behind. Big Show comes back with that terrible weak spear he does. Weapon of Mass Destruction on The Miz. That’s it. And there goes my good mood. By far the worst part of the show tonight. The Miz is a jobber. That’s all there is to it. They better be planning an epic storyline after this. But every time they ever have someone go on a losing streak storyline they never really recover from it. It didn’t work for MVP. Drew McIntyre is about to debut soon as a homosexual who kisses men at ringside. So I’m not really sure where they can go from here with The Miz. The Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes thing is funny because of the videos, but I’m sure the match won’t be any good. It may be a two minute Wrestlemania match. That is what I fear the most. Miz is trending on Twitter.
The Rock is at the Massachusetts state house. He talks about The Rock Revolution overthrowing Cena. The crowd isn’t really reacting this time. He throws out a couple more catch phrases. He has the charisma of George Washington, the brain of Lincoln, and the “you know what” of John Hancock. He ends with “if you smell what The Rock is cookin.” That one was a dud.
R-Truth vs. Kane- They show a promo from earlier in the day with R-Truth talking about Kane’s explosions. Then he stops and looks around and says “who am I talking to?” Not funny. Kane has a new smoke effect in his entrance. It shoots up from underneath and covers his whole body. I like it. Truth starts the match with punches in the corner. He’s thrown off and comes back with more. He’s thrown off a third time, tries to come back again, and is caught with a big bot in the corner. Clothesline and leg drop by Kane. Two count. Irish whip into the corner with a clothesline. He tries to do it again but gets a back elbow. R-Truth does a split and hits another back elbow. He goes for the scissors kick, but he’s pushed away, and chokeslammed. Kane wins. Another short match.
Kane raises his arm and does his explosion. Then Randy Orton’s music hits. Kane goes to run towards Orton but R-Truth holds on to his leg. Kane fights Truth off, spins around, and is hit with an RKO. Orton grabs a mic and gets in his face and says “it’s good to be back.” That’s a play off of Kane telling him”welcome back Randy” after he attacked him on Smackdown. This is going to be an awful feud. It’s going to be an even more awful Wrestlemania match. I really don’t care. I really don’t want to see those two fight. Every Wrestlemania Kane match is pointless (except for The Undertaker ones.) Remember Kane vs. Booker T? Of course you don’t. You don’t want to. Kane vs. Orton will be just as awful. Way to waste Randy Orton’s Wrestlemania spot. There had to be a better opponent for him. They could have built him vs. The Miz. That feud never happened. R-Truth is trending on Twitter. Randy Orton is also. After a hot first hour of Raw, this half has been slow and boring.
John Cena comes to the ring. His hometown crowd boos him. He says “I thought you all would be excited.” Cena say’s The Rock is back. The Rock he needs to face at Wrestlemania is back. He says that behind the sunglasses, and the traumatic head whips, The Rock isn’t really saying much. He is obsessed with breakfast cereal, he’s obsessed with his penis, and he talks about how many women he’s been with. Cena wants to know if he’s facing The Rock or The Situation from the Jersey Shore. Cena tells the truth and says that last week The Rock was shook up for the first time in his career. Hey, wasn’t that my exact quote? I’m the one that said “for the first time in his career…” I’m telling you that WWE writers read this article. I’d like to take this time to say hello to the ones reading right now. I am available to join your writing team upon request…. Cena makes fun of The Rock’s stuttering last week and said that he sounded more like The Rainman. LINE OF THE NIGHT. Cena does it again. He then makes fun of his own clothes. Cena gives a shout out to Boston College that actually gets the people to pop for him. John Cena is trending on Twitter. Cena says The Rock wasted 20 minutes last week talking about Chinese takeout. Cena asks for The Rock to come out. Not Dwayne Johnson.
The Rock’s music hits. He is fired up. He starts with “Finally The Rock has come back to Boston.” The Rock is going to tell the world what he sees. He sees fear. “Cena” chants break out. That surprises me. Rock says that everything Cena’s done over the last ten years goes away when he loses. Why would that happen? It’s just one match. The crowd is now chanting “Fruity Pebbles.” Some of them are chanting “Rocky sucks.” It’s abut 75% in The Rock’s favor. Now the crowd is chanting “Tooth Fairy.” I love it! The crowd is carrying this promo. The Rock says that he will rip The Rock’s throat out. He says Cena will go down in history as The Rock’s bitch. His music hits and he leaves. Short promo by The Rock. They wanted him to do what Cena did last week with the short promo. Cena scribbles notes on his wrist and starts reading from them. I love it! The Rock is trending on Twitter. Cena says he will make history by whipping The Rock’s ass. He dives into the crowd. It must be his friends. He drinks beer in the crowd. CM Punk is probably frowning…as am I. Cena shows off his family and kisses his wife as Raw goes off the air.
Cena wins again. They let The Rock have the long promo last week and Cena have the long promo this week. And Cena wins them both. The Rock was highly entertaining in his own way, but he can’t out talk Cena in a shoot. They advertise a concert next week on Raw. The Rock will sing. Cena will rap. That is going to be epic!
Nice Raw overall. They really spread out all of their wrestlers to make it a super card all night long. Just when you thought you were completely entertained you realized that another big name wasn’t even used yet. It was great seeing The Rock’s early promos and then getting to see that amazing tag match. Plus the Zack Ryder segment, a Shawn Michaels appearance, and a title change. Pretty strong Raw despite those two short matches. I laughed out loud a lot tonight.
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Current Projected Wrestlemania Card:
The Rock vs. John Cena
Hell in a Cell- Undertaker vs. Triple H special referee: Shawn Michaels
WWE Championship- CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
World Heavyweight Championship- Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
Team Laurinaitis vs. Team Long
Randy Orton vs Kane
Big Show vs Cody Rhodes
Zack Ryder and Kelly Kelly vs. ?? and Eve Torres (maybe Miz)
Diva’s Championship- Beth Phoenix vs. Kharma