This recap and analysis of WWE’s Monday Night Raw are the personal opinions of the writer. The author of this article is a former promoter, writer, and referee in the wrestling industry. You won’t find analysis as accurate as this anywhere else on the internet.

WWE Monday Night Raw Results 5/28/12 from New Orleans

Raw begins with a patriotism video of Memorial Day.  A video that probably got more time than the Diva’s will tonight.  Then it’s Recap Video #1 of the evening.  The all too predictable Cena vs Big Show feud is re-visited.  It’s only a week old, but apparently it needs recapped.  5 minutes of Raw has been wasted before the show has even started.  It’s going to be another long night.

The Big Show comes to the ring.  He is wearing a suit and smiling.  He comments on how he is smiling.  He attempts to spin it into why being a face was bad for his career.  I really haven’t heard a good reason as to why Big Show turned heel yet.  It’s like they inevitably wanted to do it, so they feed him these same old “I’m a heel now” lines without any back story.  He cried and then he helped Laurinaitis.  How does that make any sense?  It doesn’t have to.  Because the writing staff doesn’t really need a good reason to make it believable.  They say he’s a heel, so he now is.  It’s pushed down our throat.  And we have to accept it.  So he’s a heel just because Laurinaitis made him beg.  Why a massive giant would accept that kind of treatment befuddles me.  So anyway, Big Show goes on to take a shot at “toothpick” NBA players, “so called UFC fighters”, and other wrestlers in the back.  He shows a clip of Brodus Clay dancing minutes after he was fired by Laurinaitis.  Why don’t they do a Big Show vs Brodus Clay feud then?  That would be far more intriguing.  Mainly because Clay has never had a legitimate opponent.  We know that the Big Show heel turn will be pushed, so it would be unique to see that push collide with the face push of Clay.  That would be interesting because it’s unpredictable.  They have to put someone over on someone else.  Who would they put over?  I don’t know.  It’s hard to tell when it’s two guys like that colliding.  Instead we have to see them doing the same old predictable feuds with the guy who is constantly pushed being put over.  Let’s hope for this feud.

Big Show continues on his incredibly long, boring, waste of time promo by showing the video of Cena impersonating and butchering Jim Carrey last week.  He says “Cena hurt me when he decided he didn’t care.”  Awwww really?  He’s hurt?  Is that why he turned heel?  Still pretty weak.  This promo has made sense of nothing and has progressed nothing.  We are now 15 minutes in and nothing has happened on Raw.  Big Show talks about beating Cena, or something like that.  And then goes back to the “that puts a smile on my face” line.  I see what he did there.  He took a 15 minute promo and spun it back to his starting statement!  He used the difference in smiling as a face and as a heel to be symbolic of his change in character!  And it sucked.  Boring ass promo.  A graphic shows Daniel Bryan vs CM Punk tonight……YES YES YES YES YES YES YES…wait…I’m sure they will ruin it.

#ZackRydervsCatering is trending on Twitter.  Why?  Because Ryder announced on Twitter that he wasn’t booked tonight.  So he did a question and answer segment with people on Twitter.  They had to use that hash tag to ask their questions.  This is trending and the WWE is not.  I guess this proves what the people want to see more.  It’s time for Ryder or Riot again.  If this guy isn’t booked I’m about to stop watching.  Why would you not put one of your highest grossing merchandise sellers on television?  Just because he’s vocal about how you butchered his internet show?  You were the idiots for butchering it, and now your the idiots for not using him.  Go jump out of windows writing staff.

Alberto Del Rio vs United States Champion Santino Marella- Del Rio begins the match viciously attacking Santino.  Yes!  Destroy him!  Del Rio charges him in the corner, but Santino moves.  Hip toss from Santino, followed by a saluting fist drop.  He puts on the Cobra glove, but Del Rio punches him in the gut.  Cross Arm Breaker.  Santino taps out.  That was the opening match of Raw?  So were 23 minutes in and we’ve had 1 minute of wrestling?  Do you people understand that this is a wrestling show?  Wrestling.  Key word is wrestling.  There is supposed to be wrestling.  Not 500 pound pieces of trash spitting all over the mic for 15 minutes.  Alberto Del Rio is trending on Twitter.

Alex Riley is in the back with Eve Torres.  Apparently he has a crush on Eve.  He is trying to tell her.  Big Show walks up.  Eve says that Big Show is allowed to pick his opponent tonight.  Riley tries to talk him out of picking him.  Big Show says he’s not picking Riley and throws his head into the concrete wall.  OMG really?  Your pushing a schoolboy crush from a grown ass DUI getting man?  That’s the best that could be thought of to tie these two in?  Why tie them in at all?  No back story was needed.  Just have Big Show toss him into a damn wall.  Better yet, don’t even show Big Show.  We already watched him for 15 minutes tonight.  We don’t need to see him anymore.  And instead of giving him a promo, a backstage segment, and a match, why don’t they just give him one of those three?  That way the focus of the show can turn to the actual WWE Champion CM Punk.  Because that’s who people want to see.  These writers actually think that people want to see Big Show be the focus of the show?  What they don’t understand is that people don’t want to see Big Show because he’s a good heel character…they don’t want to see Big Show because he’s been stale for 11 years.  His boos are not good heel heat.  They are boos of boredom.  They don’t understand the concept of heel heat vs legit heat.  They think that Big Show is over because people don’t want to see him.  That’s not the way the industry works.  That’s what they get when they make one of the requirements to be a WWE Writer “must have experience writing television drama.”  How about they change that requirement to “must understand wrestling and industry psychology.”  Alex Riley is the #1 trend worldwide on Twitter.

WWE Tag Team Championship: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero- Kofi and Swagger start off with a tie up.  Swagger pushes him to the corner, but it’s reversed.  Punches and a dropkick from Kofi.  Truth is tagged in as they do a double hip toss.  Truth bounces off the ropes, does a bunch of splits and dancing, and hits a leg drop.  Swagger throws him off the ropes, but he holds on and dances some more.  This gives Kofi time to get back in the ring and dump Ziggler over the top rope.  Truth and Kofi double team Swagger with running front drop kicks that send him to the outside.  That takes us to commercial.

Back from break we see a spot where Kofi was knocked off the apron.  It was incredibly uneventful.  Definitely not worth Jerry Lawler’s line of “during the commercial break the titles were almost lost.”  That’s called King not knowing how to segway.  Ziggler uses an elbow drop on Kofi.  He goes for a pin fall.  Unlike with Orton, it’s fine for him.  He has a showboat gimmick so he’s allowed to think all of his moves are more credible than they actually are.  I expect him to do things like that with his gimmick.  Hot tag to R-Truth.  Truth comes in with clotheslines and a rollup.  Swagger breaks it up.  There are a couple double team moves followed by the “Lil Jimmy” by R-Truth.  That’s the match.  Kofi and Truth win.  Ziggler and Swagger are jobbers.  Ziggler gets angry and walks out on Swagger and Vickie.  Finally.  It looks like they are actually going to do something with him.  A face turn seems likely.  And it will work for him.  Do it. “Kofi and Truth” is trending on Twitter.

Santino is walking with trainers in the back.  They tell him that his arm is injured.  Big Show walks up to him, grabs him by the face, and says he picks him.  Brodus Clay comes up to Big Show and tells him to pick him.  Big Show does.  I couldn’t really take that altercation seriously because of his silly hat and the emergence of dancers in fiery red suits.  Big Show vs Brodus Clay is trending on Twitter.  It looks like people are as slightly intrigued as I am.  I’m not intrigued however to see Big Show for a 5th time tonight.

John Laurinaitis comes to the ring.  He is riding his awesome scooter that says “People Power” on the front.  He is with Eve Torres and David Otunga.  Otunga is wearing his bow tie and drinking from his coffee mug.  Highlight of the night so far.  Laurinaitis announces that Big Show vs John Cena will be inside of a steel cage.  Don’t care.  He has a big billboard with a curtain over it.  He unveils the cover for the WWE 13 video game that comes out in October.  It has Laurinaitis on it.  He says it will be bigger than Pac Man.  CM Punk’s music hits.  He puts gum on Laurinaitis’ scooter chair on his way into the ring.  Punk says Laurinaitis and Pac Man both have no balls.  Not funny.  Punk says that the cover of the video game is prestigious.  It is?  Punk shows the actual cover which falls from the sky on a gigantic banner.  There are actually fireworks that unveils it.  Of course, it’s Punk.  God this is stupid.  Punk tells Laurinaitis to take the Hoeski and Carlton and leave his ring.  That’s funny.  Steel Cage and #WWE13 are trending on Twitter.  IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTT CCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE.  Punk destroys the cardboard with Laurinaitis on it.  How can Punk go along with this crap?  Raw might be worse right now than its ever been before.

#chosenone is trending on Twitter.  Why?  Because Drew McIntyre is also not booked.  So he decided to do what Zack Ryder did.  The people once again showed that they were more interested in the guys who are wrongfully booked than they are watching this awful show.  Get a clue WWE.  The people want Ryder.  They want McIntyre.  They want good wrestlers.  They don’t want Big Show.

Daniel Bryan vs WWE Champion CM Punk-  YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.  Heaven.   Tie up to start.  Shoulder block by Byran, leap frog by Punk, arm drag by Punk.  Punk applies an arm bar.  Bryan fights up and Punk reverses it into a hammerlock.  Bryan works his way out of it and reverses the hammerlock into a bridging german suplex.  Beautiful.  Bryan applies an arm bar and throws his elbow into Punk’s shoulder to keep the pressure applied.  Punk works his way out, gets out with elbows to the face, shoots Bryan off the ropes, catches his leap frog with a slam, and kicks him hard in the gut.  Punk uses multiple knee drops into the torso of Bryan.  He keeps him grounded with a scissor hold on the mat.  Punk pushes Bryan’s head to the mat, uses his momentum to pull himself off, crosses Bryan’s legs, and works him into a Bow and Arrow.  Bryan flips out, but Punk gets into a pin fall attempt for a two.  Bryan flips out into a bridge pin.  Punk attempts a backslide, but Bryan counters out.  Punk hits him with a back breaker.  He throws Bryan’s torso across the top rope.  Bryan falls to the apron and guillotines Punk’s arm.  running drop kick by Bryan sends Punk to the outside.  Bryan goes for a running suicide dive, but Punk side steps.  Bryan lands on his feet as Punk uses an awesome springboard turning cross body from the apron to the floor.  AJ makes her way down the ramp.  That takes us to commercial.  I could punch a baby because of this commercial break.  I hate you WWE.  CM Punk is trending on Twitter.

Back from break, Bryan reverses a suplex, leap frogs Punk in the corner, and ducks a flying springboard cross body by Punk.  Bryan uses a running front dropkick to Punk’s face.  He uses an amazing arm submission where he bends back the wrist, elbow, and fingers of Punk.  Amazing submission hold.  Punk works his way out, but Bryan guillotines Punk’s arm over his own body.  Punk powders into the corner but Bryan comes running with a front dropkick.  Bryan yells YEEESSSS the whole way into the turnbuckle.  Bryan twists the arm of Punk again and hits a bridging german suplex.  Beautiful.  Back into another arm bar with pressure being applied to Punk’s face as well. Punk gets to his feet and breaks the hold with forearms to the face.  Again Bryan guillotines Punk’s arm over his own body.  That’s his go to move to stop Punk’s offense and continuation of working the arm.  Amazing psychology.  Bryan charges Punk, but he’s hit with a knee lift to the gut.  Bryan charges again but is hit with a spinning neck breaker.  Punk charges in the corner and hits the knee to the face.  Bryan comes back strong with a kick attempt, but Punk rolls through with a schoolboy rollup for a two count.  Bryan uses multiple kicks to the chest of Punk.  Punk runs away from him, up the turnbuckle, and hits a flying sit out clothesline.  Two count from Punk.

They continue to show AJ throughout the match.  Punk goes to the top rope for the Flying Elbow Drop, but Bryan jumps up and knocks him off.  Bryan climbs the ropes and hits a superplex off the top rope.  A lot of elevation on that one.  Two count by Bryan.  Bryan gets up and removes the turnbuckle cover.  He is distracted by AJ.  When he turns around he’s hit with a Yakuza Kick to the head.  Two count for Punk.  Punk charges Bryan but he’s sent head first into the exposed turnbuckle.  Byran covers and gets the 3 count.  Bryan wins.  YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.  Amazing match.  And then they ruin it.  Here comes Kane.  He beats Bryan with a chair and choke slams him.  Punk makes the save and beats Kane with his own chair.  CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, No Way Out, and Kane are all trending on Twitter.  They actually give people what they want to see and WWE finally dominates Twitter.  For the first time tonight.  What more do those idiot writers need to see??? Speaking of the idiot writers…

It’s time for another WWE Writer Discussion- So the people online seem to like Bryan vs Punk.  So let’s do it again tonight.  Good idea.  But those two alone don’t cut it.  We need to add something else.  How about AJ?  Well, that’s a given.  She’s already going to be involved.  How about Kane?  Perfect.  Kane will make this feud much more exciting.  That way we won’t have to watch them roll around the ring doing boring counters and doing all that psychology garbage.  Wait, isn’t that called scientific wrestling?  Because that’s what Vince used to call it when he was on commentary.  That’s exactly what it’s called.  Whatever Vince says is law.  So anyways, let’s take the attention off Bryan vs Punk and put it on Punk vs Kane for a Smackdown title match.  Good idea.  Kane needs to be the focus of that show anyways.  Bryan isn’t a good enough heel.  He isn’t big enough.  He needs to be more like Kane.  Actually, tell the agents to hold a meeting with Bryan later and tell him to be more like Kane.  Good call.  So does this match main event?  (Everyone laughs.)  The WWE Championship is not as important as Big Show right now.  So Big Show needs to main event.  Let’s put this match at the 10 o’clock hour.  That’s where it deserves to be.  Because it fails in comparison to the big men.  Little guys have to be on the under card.  Big guys have to be in the main event.  That’s how the industry works.  We proved that at Wrestlemania 3.  Hogan vs Andre was much better than Savage vs Steamboat.  Steamboat was so bad in that match that we made him dress up like a dragon and breathe fire after that.  Hey, maybe we should make Bryan breathe fire?  Nah, we’ve already done that.  Let’s make him juggle to the ring.  That would be unique.  Great idea!  I like that.  All in favor say I.  IIIIIIIII.

Intercontinental Champion Christian vs. The Miz- Cody Rhodes is on commentary.  They actually reference the Jericho situation.  Jericho was suspended for kicking a Brazilian flag during a show in Brazil.  He is out 30 days.  I now officially hate Brazil.  I want to see Jericho.  Screw their laws.  Miz attacks Christian to start the match.  Chrstian leapfrogs and uses a sunset flip off the top rope.  Miz stomps his head and takes back over on offense.  He punches Christian down into the corner.  Running clothesline through the ropes by Miz.  He goes to the top rope and uses a diving axe handle smash.  Chin lock to slow down the pace.  Decent start to the match.  Cody Rhodes calls Christian old on commentary.  Miz uses a reverse backbreaker/neckbreaker combo.  Standing senton to the back.  Christian again fights up but is pushed into the corner.  Christian kicks Miz away and hits a missle drop kick off the top rope.  Miz rolls to the ropes.  Christian jumps over the top rope, down to the floor, and uppercuts him.  I hate that spot.

Back in the ring he uses a reverse DDT.  Christian sets up for a spear.  A spear?  Really?  Last week he did a Frog Splash and now he’s trying a spear?  Is his arsenal nothing but a bunch of old finishers that his friends used?  Miz boots him in the face on the spear attempt.  Christian goes to the top rope and uses a reverse elbow.  Cody Rhodes gets up from commentary and walks towards the ring.  Christian is distracted which results in a rollup.  2 count.  Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Christian reverses it into a Kill Switch attempt.  Miz pushes him out and into the corner.  Miz charges and misses.  Christian hits the Kill Switch.  He goes to the top rope and uses the Frog Splash for the win.  Ugh.  Terrible finisher.  Good match though.  Except for The Miz jobbing thing.

Laurinaitis, Otunga, and Eve are in the back.  Eve asks Teddy Long to get her coffee.  Laurinaitis says he’s disappointed in his staff.  Otunga didn’t beat Cena and Eve didn’t make Sheamus apologize to him.  Otunga wants to face Sheamus and beat him.  Laurinaitis says he may want to retire in 10 or 15 years and needs people to have in place.  Teddy brings Eve coffee.  She spits it on him and says it’s cold.  He says it’s supposed to be cold because it’s iced coffee.  Was that a joke?  Because I didn’t find it funny.  Michael Cole laughed.  But what doesn’t he laugh at?  Teddy Long is the #1 trend worldwide.  Who wants to see Sheamus vs Otunga?????!!!!! Nobody?  Me neither.

The Miz is still in the ring.  He wants that match stricken from the record books.  Miz says he got the deciding pin fall for Team Laurinaitis at Wrestlemania.  He wants a championship match.  He’s not leaving until he’s treated right.  Good for you Miz.  I fully support you.  Randy Orton’s music hits.  He walks right into the ring and hits Miz with a RKO.  That’s it.  Then he poses.  Where the hell do I start on this one???  First of all, for a split second there I actually thought that they were about to do something with The Miz.  I was literally thinking, “it looks like they are going to push Ziggler and Miz.”  I thought they were actually realizing their mistakes and changing things up.  Instead this whole thing was used to give Orton something to do.  Then I thought, “maybe they will start a Orton vs Miz feud.”  But then this happened….

Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero are in the back.  Ziggler tells Vickie he wants out of the tag team.  He wants to be out there by himself like Orton.  Then it cuts back to Orton again.  So it appears as if they are going to start a Orton vs Ziggler feud.  Which of course is the direct result of Chris Jericho being suspended.  It really sucks to not see Jericho, but its good that Ziggler will actually be used.  Unless they use this feud to put Orton over.  Which doesn’t need to happen.  Orton doesn’t need to win a feud like this.  But Ziggler does.  He has to win it.  They have to put him over.  But they won’t.  Ziggler will be a Jericho placeholder just like Miz was tonight.  In the end they will just continue to put Orton over.  This will probably kill Ziggler even more.  Will they even spend the time to build him to make him look credible?  Doubtful.  “Randy Orton” and “Miz” are trending on Twitter.

Promo for Smackdown.  CM Punk defends the WWE Championship against Kane.  Ugh.

David Otunga vs. World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus- Otunga starts the match with punches.  Sheamus powers him into the corner with his own punches.  Otunga attempts a hip toss after an Irish Whip, but he’s caught and clotheslined.  Sheamus goes for his chest pounds through the ropes but he’s guillotined by Otunga.  Otunga rolls down his back, sends him chest first into the turnbuckle, and hits a running clothesline.  Grounded punches to the head by Otunga.  Running shoulder block to a sitting Sheamus.  He goes for 3 pin fall attempts.  Otunga powers Sheamus ino the corner with more punches.  He is clotheslined when he tries to whip him again.   Running axe handle smashes by Sheamus.  Chest pounds through the ropes.  White Noise.  Brogue Kick.  3 count.  Sheamus wins.  Decent match, though it was too short.  Otunga was very physical.  Good showing for him.  Sheamus’ current angle with Del Rio isn’t very attractive.  David Otunga and WWE Championship are trending on Twitter.

Promo for a new ECW DVD.  This surprised me.  A new ECW DVD? Didn’t they already bury ECW with their own WWECW version of it?  Guess they want to try to milk some more money out of it.  #ECW is trending on Twitter.  So is Brodus Clay.  His match is next.

The Funkasaurus Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactuls vs. The Big Show- Big Show grabs a mic.  Another Big Show promo!!! That’s exactly what I wanted to see…..  He tells Clay that he embarrasses himself and that he was like Doink.  But Doink had talent.  Really?  Big Show hits a running spear down the ramp.  He chops Clay against the barricade on the outside.  Next he throws Clay’s head into the steel turnbuckle.  He kicks Clay on the outside.  Kofi Kingston comes running out of nowhere.  He jumps and is caught in mid air.  Big Show throws Kofi into R-Truth.  Big Show breaks the commentary table with his boot.  He picks up the side of the table and beats Clay with it.  He hits him multiple times and it takes multiple minutes.  Big Show turns his attention to R-Truth and throws him into the ropes from the outside.  Then the Emergency Alert System popped up on my monitor with that beeping sound.  Thank god for that.  That was the best 30 seconds of air time I’ve seen in the last hour.  Much more entertaining than Raw.  So Big Show must have torn up Kofi.  Then he delivers the Weapon of Mass Destruction to Brodus Clay.  Big Show walks up the ramp and raises arms with Laurinaitis who appears on the ramp. #Funkasarus, “Cameron and Naomi”, Doink, Brodus Clay, and Big Show are all trending on Twitter.  The action was so slow that people had a lot of time to Tweet.

That was terrible.  Tell me again why this push couldn’t have gone to someone else?  Why Big Show?  Is this 1997 again?  Why would it be believable to me that he would dominate again after all those years of being a comedy act?  So just because he turns heel he automatically becomes a monster?  It doesn’t work that way.  You can’t just push someone to the moon because of a heel turn unless it has back story.  And this turn had zero back story.  The whole turn still doesn’t make much sense to me.  And where was John Cena?  As annoying as he can be, the show is boring without him.  It’s also boring without Ryder and Lord Tensai.  Those guys can actually wrestle.  With the exception of Bryan vs Punk, that was a worthless Raw.

Speaking of Daniel Bryan….everyone should tweet at him and demand that he be in my wedding next year.  @WWEDanielBryan I am one of the big reasons why the YES chants got so big.  I was pushing them in this article months before the trend caught on.  Actually, the very first night he did them, I commented on them.  Thousands and thousands of people read this article.  So I do give myself some credit for the success of the YES chants.  The proof is in the history of these articles.  So tweet him and tell him to be in my wedding.  And thanks.  Leave comments.

Follow Mark Brown on Twitter .