Raw begins with General Manager AJ Lee. She comes out in a white business suit and skips to the ring. She announces Big Show vs Randy Orton. Don’t care. She also announces Daniel Bryan vs John Cena. Thank you. Before she makes her final announcement CM Punk’s music hits. He gets a crowd pop. I wonder how soon those will stop? Punk says he did something last week that he wishes he could take back. He apologizes to AJ for yelling at her. He says that both he and AJ shouldn’t be disrespected. He says he’s sorry and the crowd boos. Punk brings out the sarcasm by saying that AJ will fall flat on her face from time to time and will make big mistakes occasionally. That’s the heel coming out in him. He wants AJ to call off the triple threat match at Summerslam. AJ says the decision will stand. Punk says that AJ is trying to get back at him from when he embarrassed her during her proposal. Damn Punk is good. He hasn’t changed his character whatsoever, but throws out sarcastic heel lines in perfect situations to get a negative reaction. It’s genius.
John Cena comes to the ring. He says that Punk should earn respect instead of demand it. The crowd chants “let’s go Cena, Cena sucks.” Cena acknowledges the crowd. Then he acknowledges AJ and tells her that she smells great. Well planned awkwardness. Punk says that he saved Cena from Big Show last week. Cena says the odds are against Punk to retain at Summerslam. Punk reminds Cena that he beat him at Summerslam last year. As they argue The Big Show’s music hits. He gets half way down the aisle before AJ stops everything. She says she won’t let her show get out of hand. Punk tells her that the champion deserves to be in the main event. Cough cough your welcome cough cough. Patting the back. AJ says that the fans will vote on Twitter who Punk will face. The options are The Miz, Kane, or Rey Mysterio. The match is next. Next??? So much for the champion being in the main event. But it makes sense that he isn’t, to push his current disrespect storyline.
WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio- Jerry Lawler reveals Mysterio as the winner of the Twitter vote. These two used to have good matches against one another. Tieup to start. Punk powers Mysterio into the corner. Clean break. Mysterio attempts a drop toe hold. Punk fights out and hooks in a hammer lock. Mysterio rolls through and kicks Punk in the shin multiple times. Irish whip to the corner, but Mysterio misses on a charge. Body slam by Punk, followed by a leg drop. Two count. Grounded scissor hold by Punk. Weird how slow the pacing of this match is thus far. Is Mysterio still kinda banged up? Mysterio fights up, bounces off the ropes, but is caught in a tilt-a-whirl back breaker. Punk climbs the top rope, but Mysterio drop kicks him off. Punk flies to the outside floor. Running senton off the apron to the outside by Mysterio. That’s a commercial spot.
Back from break Mysterio is on the top rope. He pulls Punk up. Punk uses a Mongolian chop to take control. Damn I love Mongolian chops. I want to Mongolian chop someone in a real life fight some day. On the bucket list. Superplex by Punk off the top rope. Two count after a cover. Punk applies a second scissor hold. Mysterio tries to elbow out, but Punk hits a series of his own elbows to the chest of Mysterio. Punk works the head by twisting around the neck. Mysterio bites his hand to break the hold. Punk throws Mysterio under the bottom rope and to the outside. Punk charges him on the apron, but Mysterio hits a shoulder thrust. Senton off the top rope by Mysterio. Sunset flip followed by a kick to the head. Two count. Mysterio is caught in the GTS after he runs up the ropes, but counters. Punk flies into the ropes. 619 by Mysterio. He goes for Dropping the Dime, but Punk gets his legs up. Punk picks him up and hits the GTS. 1-2-3. CM Punk wins. That match was a little disappointing. It was good. But it was slow. I just expected more. I guess Mysterio can’t work like he used to anymore. Steroids do break down the body.
Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez are in the back. He is parking his Ferrari backstage in his own parking spot. Ricardo makes people move tables so that they can get the car in. Alberto is angry at him for not having the spot ready. He gets pushed. Poor Ricardo.
Wade Barrett Promo- There are clips of guys bare knuckle fighting. Barrett steps in and knocks them out. He says his barrage has just begun. He is returning soon.
AJ Lee, Alberto Del Rio, and Ricardo Rodriguez are in the back. Del Rio flirts with her and tells her that shes doing a great job. He says AJ is smart and wont have him compete before Summerslam. She says she don’t have him booked. He turns to Ricardo and says that he thought she would do something crazy. AJ is offended that he said the word crazy. So she books him in a match. He pushes Ricardo. Poor Ricardo.
Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez- Christian gets the “already in the ring” jobber entrance. It’s used to put over the fact that this match wasn’t originally planned. Ricardo also puts this over by running out to the ramp late. Del Rio is still getting undressed as he comes down to the ring. He finishes lacing up his boots on the steps. Del Rio charges and misses as the bell rings. Christian goes to the top rope and pounds him. Del Rio rolls to the outside and pulls Christian’s legs through. He throws Christian face first into the outside turnbuckle. He throws him shoulder first into the barricade. Back in the ring he gets a two count. Del Rio works the arm and pulls the hair. Christian tries to fight out, but gets headbutted, and is hit with a single arm DDT.
Christian gets up and hits an uppercut. He does the stupid spot where he jumps to the outside with an uppercut. Cross body off the top rope by Christian. Del Rio kicks him in the shin. Christian reverses the Cross Arm Breaker into a pinning attempt. Two count. Del Rio hits more kicks to the arm. He misses a senton bomb off the top rope. Christian attempts the Spear. He is met with a super kick. Cross Arm Breaker is reversed into a Kill Switch Attempt. Christian is thrown into the corner. Ricardo pulls him out. Christian chases him to the outside. He goes to the top rope again, but Del Rio hits him in the head with his boot. Cross Arm Breaker. Christian taps out. Del Rio wins.
Sheamus is on the Titan Tron. He gets in Del Rio’s Ferrari. He calls Ricardo “Ricky Ricardo” and tells him not to leave the keys in the car next time. Sheamus drives out of the building in the car. They did a very nice job in setting all of this up. The impromptu match lead to Del Rio leaving his car in the back. This lead to some cheap shine by Sheamus in stealing the car. The impromptu match also lead to the finish. Del Rio was able to easily remove his boot under the idea that they weren’t fully laced when he arrived to the ring. It’s simple and effective heel heat. It’s not completely entertaining, but it makes sense. They attempted to do something different since this storyline is stale. It’s still boring, but nice try.
Randy Orton vs. The Big Show- Ugh. Do I have to watch this? One is repetitive and one is slow. Not intrigued. Tie up to start. Orton is tossed on his back. Big Show attacks in the corner with body blows. Orton fights back with punches and kicks. Multiple short arm clotheslines in the corner. 10 count on the top rope. Big Show pushes him off. Side slam by Show. He walks over Orton’s body with all of his weight. This match is actually moving faster than the Punk/Mysterio match. Well, I spoke too soon. Big Show hits a head butt. Long pause. Orton fights back with kicks. He bounces off the rope and is shoulder blocked by Big Show. Long pause. Chin lock by Big Show. Long pause. Orton fights up and out with elbows. He is tossed into the corner. Big Show charges, but Orton gets the boots up. He attempts to take Big Show off his feet with multiple shoulder blocks. He finally knocks him down with a drop kick. Orton signals RKO. He is met with a Choke Slam instead. False finish two count. Long pause.
Orton rolls to the outside. Big Show grabs him by his shoulders and pulls him up. Guillotine drop by Orton dazes Big Show. Orton runs back in the ring, but is shoulder blocked once again. Orton super bumps to the outside floor. Big Show follows him out and they brawl. He tosses him back in the ring and signals Choke Slam. Orton tries to fight out, but is thrown to the outside floor for the 17th time. Big Show follows and chops Orton’s chest across the commentary table. He attempts to throw Orton into the barricade, but Orton rolls down his back, and sends Big Show face first. He attempts an RKO, but Big Show pushes him off. Big Show runs at Orton with a weak Spear. The referee counts to 10. That’s a count out. The crowd boos when the ring announcer announces the count out. Because count outs are stupid that’s why. Big Show throws Orton back into the ring and signals WMD. Orton ducks it and hits an RKO. So basically they wanted to put Orton over because he just returned, but they didn’t want Big Show to job since he’s a #1 contender. So they did the crap that they did. Decent match though. Unlike Punk/Mysterio it was better than expected. But maybe that’s because the expectations were so low to begin.
Handicap Match: Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks vs. Ryback- It’s been awhile since we’ve seen Ryback on Raw. We see a bad promo filmed “earlier today” by Ryback. Reks starts with upper knee lifts. Ryback comes back with a power slam. Reks counters another slam and tags Hawkins. Hawkins is immediately met with a boot to the chest. Tag to Reks. He is hip tosssed. Hawkins distracts with an ankle grab. Reks uses a hard clothesline. Quck tags between the two. They keep the pace fast. Double front suplex by the two. Only a one count after all of that. Hawkins applies a chin lock. Ryback powers out, but is distracted again with another ankle grab. Reks runs at Ryback, but is back body dropped over the top rope and down onto Hawkins. Hawkins is pulled in the ring and power slammed. Hard clothesline by Ryback. Ryback hits Shell Shocked on Hawkins for the win. Another decent match. I like the strategy used by the tag team. That was some of the quickest tagging I’ve ever seen. They really stayed on him. I do miss Ryback beating up jobbers though. That will forever be my favorite. Long live Stan Stansky.
Epico and Primo vs. The Prime Time Players w/ AW- Neither team gets an entrance. AW introduces The Prime Time Players in the ring. He makes a comment about “still” being the owner of All World Productions. I guess that was in reference to his rape joke last week and how people were angry. Primo strikes Darren Young with a drop kick. The match officially begins with Primo and Titus O’Neil. O’Neil powers him down and tags Young. Double shoulder block. Young hits an elbow drop. Primo gets up and runs at Young. Young back body drops him into the turnbuckle. Primo stands on his head on the turnbuckle and back mule kicks Young. Then he reverse head scissors him. Nice spot by Primo.
Young gets up and powers Primo into the corner. Tag to Titus. Primo is tossed from one side of the ring to the other. Titus chokes Primo. Nice reverse power slam by Titus. Young comes in and is suplexed onto Primo by Titus. Chin lock by Young. He goes for a slam, but Primo turns in mid air. Two count for Primo. Primo charges Young, but is hit with a power slam. Irish whip by Young is met with a Primo elbow. Primo rolls through and gets the hot tag. Epico comes in on fire with punches, clotheslines, and a back body drop. He knocks Titus off the apron. Triple suplex by Epico. Titus pulls Young out and they head up the ramp. Kofi Kingston and R-Truth come down the ramp. That stops The Prime Time Players from retreating.
Epico and Primo attack on the outside. Young throws Epico into the outside apron. He tosses Epico back into the ring. Then he awkwardly turns around and distracts himself with Kofi and Truth. Epico hits the Back Stabber. Three count. Epico and Primo win. Weird finish. Young shouldn’t have taken control on the outside. His awkward turn inside the ring really didn’t make any sense to me. That finish definitely should have been done differently. I’m guessing that they are going to make the tag title match at Summerslam a triple threat match with Epico and Primo now involved. They are deserving since they won this match over the #1 contenders. Prime Time Players will go over and win the titles anyways. I’m not sure how I feel about these tag team matches. They are decent, but they don’t get much of a crowd reaction, and something always seems to go wrong in them. Also, no Rosa Mendes tonight? They aren’t even going to try to explain why?
Josh Mathews interviews Damien Sandow in the back- He asks Sandow about his attack on Brodus Clay. Obviously I have no idea what Sandow is saying…because he’s so smart! Big words. He is going to rid the WWE of Clay. Because people that dance are stupid. Something like that.
The Funkasaurus Brodus Clay w/ The Funkadactuls vs. Damien Sandow-Sandow attacks Clay on the ramp as he is dancing down the aisle. He chop blocks the back of Clay’s leg. Sandow tosses him down the ramp and onto the flat floor. Sandow runs at him with a flying forearm off the ramp. He continuously takes out the leg of Clay. He positions his ankle onto the ramp and brutally stomps it. Sandow continues to twist away at Clay’s ankle and leg. Pretty nasty looking attack by Sandow. I like this guy. Sandow poses and tells Brodus that he did this to himself.
AJ Lee is in the back with Daniel Bryan. They are sitting on leather couches in her office. She says he has anger management issues. He says its because she left him at the altar. He says he is calm now. She tells him that he has a match at Summerslam with Kane. Ugh. Why? So they are putting him in the ring with someone that he can’t have a five star match with? On a major PPV like Summerslam? Why? I don’t get it. Daniel gets up and yells NO. AJ yells YES. NO! YES! NO! YES! He tries to juke her out. Then yells NO! Ha! Great stuff. I love the new NO! shirt. Now I’m okay with killing YES. But only because he now has a NO shirt. Genius. I must have one.
Kelly Kelly vs. Eve Torres– Why does Kelly have to be back? The Diva’s division was doing fine without her. Actually it wasn’t being used at all. And that’s fine with me. Because they don’t really have the talent to have a successful Diva’s Division. That could change when Sara Del Rey starts with the company though. Anyways, on to the “match.” Eve goes to leave the ring, but Kelly drags her back in by her hair. Thesz press by Kelly. She drives Eve’s head into the turnbuckle. Flipping back elbow. Kelly attempts a stink face, but Eve rolls to the outside. Kelly chases her and slaps her. She throws Eve into the barricade. Eve is tossed back into the ring. Kelly goes to the top rope and hits a cross body. Two count. Kelly goes for a head scissors, but its countered. Eve slams Kelly into the mat and then stomps her. Eve goes to the top rope and chokes Kelly. Chin lock. Kelly fights out, but is cut off. Kelly counters an Irish whip with a kick to the face. Sunset flip by Kelly for the win. At least she didn’t use a roll up.
Shawn Michaels comes to the ring. This is his home town after all. He makes another joke about being tired from his entrance. He says he couldn’t miss Raw in his home town. He says there are a lot of new faces that he doesn’t recognize in the back. But everyone is talking about Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. See what he did there? Weak segway. Brock Lesnar’s music hits. Lesnar and Paul Heyman come to the ring. It really is great to see those guys every single time they come out. Heyman calls Michaels the greatest in ring performer in the history of the WWE. Heyman says Lesnar is not an entertainer. He doesn’t want to be a Show Stopper, a Hall of Famer, Mr. Wrestlemania, or Mr. Summerslam. He says Lesnar is going to Summerslam to fight and prove he’s the baddest guy on the planet. Damn Heyman is good.
Michaels says he’s not here to dispute the attributes of Lesnar. He tells Heyman that he shouldn’t have attacked Triple H’s wife or kids. Michaels says he’s picking Triple H to win because he’s in a state that he’s never seen before. Michaels says he will be in Triple H’s corner at Summerslam. Heyman says that Michaels had the option to leave on his own terms, but Lesnar won’t give Triple H that option. Lesnar grabs the mic. He says the only reason why Shawn thinks Triple H can beat him is because Shawn has never been in the ring with him until now. He steps towards Michaels.
Triple H’s music hits. He walks into the ring beside Michaels. Heyman exits the ring. It’s a two on one. Lesnar tells Triple H that he will see him at Summerslam. He threatens Michaels and says that he will see him before then. Lesnar and Heyman leave up the ramp. I’m not really sure that Michaels was really needed in this match. Adding Micahels doesn’t make this match a bigger entity. Lesnar has only had one match so far, so his matches are still prestigious on their own. Seeing him compete is a big enough draw. I understand that they want to make major PPV’s star studded, but this just doesn’t seem like the right time to add a legend. It doesn’t really add anything to the match. The reason for Michaels agreeing to be in Triple H’s corner is weak to me.
Sheamus Tout- Michael Cole shows a Tout video that Sheamus just put online. He is at the Alamo in Del Rio’s car. Now that’s a cool way to implement this Tout thing. I love me some Social Media angles. Seeing fans Tout during Raw annoys me, but when they do stuff like this I’m all for it.
Alex Riley vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero- Chris Jericho is on commentary. Alex Riley gets the “already in the ring” jobber entrance. Because he is a jobber. Ziggler dodges a tie up to start. He taunts. Because he’s the show off. Chain wrestling results in a hammerlock take over by Riley. They break and tie up again. Riley takes out the legs of Ziggler and goes for a quick cover. One count. Riley rolls Ziggler into an arm bar. Why is Riley being put over as the better chain wrestler? I don’t get that. Ziggler powers up and pushes Riley into the corner. He stomps away at him. Ziggler taunts at Jericho. Jericho calls Michael Cole “Mitchell.” I laugh hard. He hits a drop kick off of an Irish whip. Jumping elbow drop from Ziggler. Riley gets up and punches, but is kicked back down. This match is slow and boring. Ziggler grounds and pounds Riley. More punches from Riley. He whips Ziggler and hits an impressive hip toss into a neck breaker. Ziggler again cuts Riley off. Neck breaker by Ziggler.
Jericho gets up on the commentary table and films a live Tout. This distracts Ziggler. Riley rolls him up for the win. Jericho looks into his camera and yells “woah!” He marks out. Then he pops when he sees that Alex Riley is trending. He throws his hands in the air. Jericho is hilarious. I laughed out loud at least 5 times. I can’t wait to see his live Tout from that match. Him looking right into the camera and sarcastically reacting to the finish was amazing. He was so excited when Riley trended too! This is easily my favorite segment of the night. And only because of Jericho. He’s such a great face. He doesn’t get to be this entertaining when he has to act angry all the time. No matter how much comedy they try to implement into the show, nobody in the industry will ever be as funny as Jericho. Canadian humor is the best in the world.
Sheamus Tout- Now Sheamus is eating Mexican food. He accidentally drops it all over Del Rio’s car. Is this crap over yet?
Kane vs. United States Champion The Miz- Tie up to start. Kane pushes Miz into the corner. Clean break by Kane, but Miz punches him in the face. Kane fires back angrily with punches in the corner. He charges with a big boot, but Miz moves. Miz chop blocks the back of Kane’s knee. Miz stomps away at the inside leg of Kane to ground him. DDT from the knees. Miz tosses Kane into another corner and stomps his knees. Kane comes back with an uppercut. Irish whip results in Miz drop kicking Kane’s knee. Hard boot to the face by Miz. Two count. Chin lock. Kane elbows out. Miz stomps at his knees. Miz runs off the ropes and is hit with another uppercut. Body slam by Kane, followed by a grounded front drop kick to the face. Two count. Runing clothesline in the corner. Kane misses the second one and Miz attempts a Skull Crushing Finale. Kane tosses him off, but crashes into the turnbuckle. Kane throws Miz into the turnbuckle. Choke Slam. 3 count. Kane wins. Once again…why? Miz is a champion. He doesn’t need to job to a stale giant in a weak storyline.
Sheamus is in the back. He is back at the arena. Del Rio’s car is pretty messed up. There are tree branches all over it. It is smoking. Not funny.
Daniel Bryan comes to the ring. Bryan comes out yelling NO NO NO to everyone in the crowd. He rips up signs while wearing his NO shirt. Love it. I’m now okay with his mad man gimmick. I assumed that they were going to kill his YES catch phrase. Now that they have replaced it with a NO catch phrase I’m happy again. Hilarious.
They cut to Del Rio and Ricardo in the back. Del Rio is angry about his car. He tells Ricardo that this is all his fault. Ricardo has to clean up the car. Ricardo starts pulling things out of the car, including a construction cone. Poor Ricardo. Thank god this stupid car thing is finally over.
Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena- It’s time for Daniel Bryan to carry Super Cena. Tie up to start. Cena powers Bryan into the corner. Clean break. Very loud “Let’s go Cena, Cena sucks” chants. Bryan yells “NO this is about me.” He exits the ring to argue with fans. Michael Cole informs us that Daniel Bryan has changed the name of his YES lock to the NO lock. Awesome. Bryan gets back in the ring and is met with a hip toss into a head lock. He fights out with forearms, runs off the ropes, and is hit with a shoulder block. Another head lock by Cena. Bryan applies pressure to the back of Cena’s leg to weaken his stance. This leads to a hammerlock counter. Because Bryan is the king of psychology. Cena whips Bryan off the ropes, but Bryan hangs on, and rolls to the outside. Cena chases him around the ring but is drop kicked when he tries to reenter the ring. Cena crashes and burns on the outside floor. Bryan goes running with a knee drop off the apron to the outside. He yells NO YES back and forth with a fat Spanish guy in a referee shirt. Hahahahaha. That takes us to break.
Back from break Cena is in a hammerlock. Bryan punches the weakened arm. He stomps Cena on the mat. Running front drop kick in the corner. Two count. Hard kicks to the back of Cena, followed by stomps in the corner. Irish whip is reversed by Cena. Back body drop to Bryan. Cena charges, but is caught in a drop toe hold into the corner. Hard kick to the rope by Bryan. The rope creates whip lash to the arm and face of Cena. Two count. Grounded hammerlock by Bryan. After a couple of counters, Bryan hits a knee drop, and applies another hammerlock. He runs at Cena with a clothesline, but Cena ducks, and hits a shoulder block. Reverse suplex. 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Attitude Adjustment is countered into a dragon sleeper. Cena powers Bryan into the turnbuckle back first, but Bryan doesn’t let go of the hold. Cena powers Bryan into the turnbuckle a second time, which breaks the hold. STF is reversed into a NO Lock attempt. The NO lock is reversed. Bryan hits a roll up. Two count. Yakuza Kick to the head by Bryan. Bryan goes to the top rope and jumps the entire way across the ring with a diving headbutt. Bryan kicks Cena in the chest repeatedly and yells NO each time. He misses the last kick and it’s countered into an STF. Bryan rolls through and attempts the NO lock. Cena rolls through that and hits the AA for the win. Retarded. The worst wrestler in the company just went over on the best wrestler in the company.
CM Punk’s music hits. He raises his title at Cena. Big Show comes running down the ramp. Cena tosses Punk out of the way and attacks Big Show. Big Show attempts a Choke Slam. Cena counters it into an AA attempt. Punk clubs Cena across the back and Big show crashes down on top of him. Punk runs to the commentary table and puts on a head set. He cuts a promo on the head set. He says people have been walking over him. Punk says Raw is ending the same way that it did last week, with the best wrestler in the world proving his dominance. He runs back into the ring where Big Show is standing. He attempts to kick Big Show, but his leg is caught. WMD to Punk. Cena gets up. WMD to Cena. Big Show poses with the WWE title. I vomited in my mouth a little. Raw goes off the air.
Now I’m pissed off. It’s a 3 hour show each week and Zack Ryder still isn’t being used? Are you serious bro? I’m sick and tired of having to complain about not seeing him each week. It’s ridiculous. WWE Writers need to do a better at their job. It’s their job. And they aren’t good at it. 3 hours of mediocrity tonight. Nothing to remember. Nothing special. Let’s recap what happened. Good workers booked the wrong way. Champions jobbing. A fat 40 year old knocking out the WWE Champion. The best wrestler on the planet losing to a guy with 5 moves. Matches being thrown together with no back story for a major Pay Per View. The 853rd car destruction angle is the focus of the show. A midget steroid freak can’t move anymore. No time for entrances, but time for dozens of recap videos. Thank god for Chris Jericho, Daniel Bryan, and Damien Sandow tonight. Try again next week. Do your job better. Sitting through 2 hours of crap was hard enough. Don’t start making it 3.