This recap and analysis of WWE’s Monday Night Raw are the personal opinions of the writer.  The author of this article is a former promoter, writer, and referee in the wrestling industry.  You won’t find analysis as accurate as this anywhere else on the internet.

Raw begins with Eve Torres in the back talking with The Bella Twins.  The Bella’s say that Zack is a good guy and ask how he is.  Eve laughs, turns heel, and says that she was using Zack Ryder.  She calls Zack an idiot, a child, and says they were never even friends.  Eve says that she was just getting herself noticed.  She says that she will use John Cena next.  She wants the Bella’s to film her going into Cena’s locker room.  She turns around and runs into John Cena, who heard the whole thing.

John Cena comes out to the ring after the intro video.  Before he can speak Eve comes down the ramp.  She wants to explain.  Cena says that Eve “has been sipping the skank juice.”  He says he lost a broski for a hoeski.  The crowd chants hoeski!!  He goes on to say that The Rock and Eve are both scandalous bitches.  Eve breaks down crying in the middle of the ring.  Cena goes over to her to check on her and she throws herself at him.  Cena says “for your information I’m disease free, and I’d like to keep it that way.”  Eve continues to cry as the crowd chants “hoeski.”  Referees and backstage people carry her out.  The crowd chants “we want Ryder woo woo woo.”  Ha! what a start.  I like it.  They turned this storyline in a completely different direction.  That was highly entertaining.  Who woulda thought that this storyline would have turned out to be so good?  And how great was Cena?  That was the most risque that he’s ever been.  I’ll go as far as to say that this storyline is already as good as Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, and Miss Elizabeth.  Because Elizabeth didn’t turn heel like Eve did at the end.  I never in a million years thought that Eve Torres would entertain me or be a highlight of a show.  I hope her character becomes completely crazy.  She was already flipping out pretty bad tonight.  She has to end up with Kane!  It’s been way too many years since Kane put a baby in Lita.  #Hoeski is officially trending on Twitter.

Another Undertaker hype video.  It looks like the other videos from the past weeks.  He says that Triple H’s fate is sealed.  Every story has an ending, and The Undertaker will end Triple H’s tonight.  They are associating some Metallica song with him this year.  I’m not sure if that’s going to be the theme song for his match with Triple H at Wrestlemania, or if that will be his entrance music.  Remember how he came out to Johnny Cash’s “Ain’t No Grave” last year?  That was awesome music.  This Metallia song…not so much.  Metallica is too generic for my liking.  This song doesn’t fit.

Promo video for “Super Smackdown.”  Smackdown is live tomorrow night.  The main event is CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan.  OMG.  Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry- Apparently Mark Henry is back from suspension.  Yay. (sarcasm)  Mark Henry attacks Sheamus in the corner.  He hits a clothesline.  The awesome crowd chants “Daniel Bryan.”  Sheamus announced at Elimination Chamber that he will face Daniel Bryan at Wrestlemania.  Sheamus takes control with his own clothesline.  Battling-ram off of the top by Sheamus, followed by the chest pounds over the ropes.  Henry breaks free.  Sheamus stays on offense by hammering away at Henry.  He almost knocks him out.  Henry counters the Brogue Kick and sends Sheamus into the corner.  Splash in the corner by Henry.  He goes for The World’s Strongest Slam but Sheamus flips down Henry’s back.  Brogue Kick by Sheamus.  The three count.  Sheamus wins.  Finally, they feature Sheamus on Raw.  It’s about time.  Although Henry is awful and can’t put on a great match, putting Sheamus over on him is still a great way to push him.

John Laurinaitis and David Otunga are in the back.  Otunga has his bow tie and coffee mug.  Teddy Long walks in.  They talk about how one of them should be running both brands.  Teddy Long wants to ask the people who should run both shows.  Laurinaitis wants to know what the board of directors wants.  Laurinaitis says he’s a lot taller than Long.  Long says something about stacking manure high.  Laurinaitis tells him that there will be a 10 man battle royal tonight to determine CM Punk’s opponent at Wrestlemania.  Long says he’s putting 5 Smackdown guys in it.  He also says that everyone on Smackdown is better than Otunga.  Laurinaitis says that Otunga will face anyone from Smackdown.  Long says that Otunga looks like Pee Wee Herman’s fairy god mother with his bow tie.  Really?  Who let’s Teddy Long speak?  He’s not funny and very stupid.  What a waste of time he is.  It looks like they are going to work towards some sort of match where Team Laurinaitis faces Team Long at Wrestlemania with the winning team making their general manager the permanent GM of both Raw and Smackdown.  Laurinaitis’ team will consist of Alberto Del Rio, Mark Henry, Christian, and maybe Otunga.  Because those guys came out to support him at the PPV.  And how about them determining a competitor for a main event at Wrestlemania via battle royal?  Are you kidding me?  That spot is far too prestigious to be determined by a dumb little battle royal.  Especially because we just saw a battle royal on Smackdown won by Santino Marella.  That belittles the battle royal match even more.

The Rock returns to Raw next Monday.  A hype video airs teasing him for next week.  Mark Henry, #broski, Eve Torres, and #hoeski are all trending on Twitter at this time.

WWE Tag Team Champions Epico and Primo w/ Rosa Mendes vs. R-Truth and Kofi Kingston-  Epico and Truth start the match.  Leap frog by Truth, leap frog by Epico, Truth stops and clotheslines him.  Primo is tagged in and takes control.  Running slide down Truth’s back through the ropes and down to the floor.  Primo knocks Kofi off the apron.  R-Truth comes back with a clothesline and tags Kofi.  Kofi comes in hot with punches, drop kicks, clotheslines, and a Boom Drop.  Rosa jumps up on the ring apron for the distraction.  Kofi throws Primo to the outside but Primo hangs on and drops Kofi’s arm across the ropes.  R-Truth takes him out of the ring.  Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise on Epico for the win.  The best way to bury your tag team champions is to have them job to a random team of guys who has never tagged together before.  That shows exactly how pathetic the tag team division is.  They should seriously get rid of the tag team championships.  Nobody cares about them anymore.  They’ve buried those titles way too much.  #Hoeski is STILL the #1 trend worldwide on Twitter.  That seems to be all people care about tonight.  Rosa Mendes is also trending.

New inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame.  It’s Ron Simmons aka Farooq.  Damn!  I was never a big fan so I won’t comment much more.  I bet he ends his Hall of Fame speech with…Damn!  He joins Edge, The 4 Horsemen, and Mike Tyson as this year’s class.

Chris Jericho is interviewed in the back.  Josh Matthews says technically he wasn’t eliminated.  Jericho says there is no technically and that he was not beaten.  Jericho says he’s the best in the world at what he does.  Tonight is the end of the world as we know it.  Ron Simmons is trending on Twitter.  So is #hoeski…still…just sayin’.

David Otunga w/ John Laurinaitis vs. Ezekiel Jackson w/ Teddy Long- This has to be Jackson’s first match on Raw in years.  That giant man is actually being jobbed out on Smackdown.  Jackson powers Otunga down with pushes.  Otunga rakes his eyes and punches away at his head.  Laurinaitis stands at ringside texting.  Jackson comes back with multiple clotheslines in the corner.  He misses clothesline #4 and splashes into the corner.  Otunga picks him up and slams him with whatever his finisher is.  That’s it.  The match is over.  Michael Cole stands up on the announce table and claps obnoxiously.  He is in love with Laurinaitis as much as he was with The Miz.  I miss him being associated with The Miz actually.  Remember that one time when I said Jackson is jobbed out on Smackdown?  Well he just jobbed on Raw to a man half of his size.  And he lost in 2 minutes.  It’s time for Ezekiel Jackson to be future endeavored.  It’s also time for a David Otunga push.  Not sure how I feel about that.  He has a lot of star power because his wife is singer Jennifer Hudson, but he doesn’t have a lot of in ring skill.  His bow tie and coffee mug are widely popular though.  I’d buy those.  David Otunga, #Raw, Big Zeke, and Michael Cole are all trending on Twitter.

The Undertaker makes his way to the ring.  Lights out, the gong hits, old school Undertaker music.  Yes, he is finally there in person.  Huge reaction from the crowd.  He is wearing a cape-like jacket that reminds me of his outfits in the Attitude Era.  He talks about how the last year has been a living hell for him.  A purple light dims over a dark arena the entire time he speaks.  He has been uncertain of himself.  He challenged Triple H to end the uncertainty.  He never imagined that Triple H would say no.  He says that the choice was not Triple H’s to make.  He says that he and Triple H are the last of their kind.  He says that this is the apocalypse.

Triple H’s music hits.  He comes out in a suit, which is very symbolic of his current character and position.  Triple H begins to tell the story of a few weeks ago but is cut off by “shut up.”  Undertaker tells him to save his pity.  Triple H says their fate is to not end it, but it’s instead to carry it on to the next generation.  He wants Undertaker to carry the torch.  He doesn’t want to be the one to extinguish the flame.  Undertaker wants to know if Triple H thinks this is bad for business because Triple H will be the one to be gone.  Triple H says there is no uncertainty.  If Undertaker looks inside himself he knows that it’s certain.  Triple H says Undertaker isn’t asking him for redemption, he’s asking him to end it.  Triple H won’t be the one to finish it.  Undertaker calls him a coward.  Triple H’s tone changes and he starts to shout that he’s sick of being called a coward.  He stops shouting, recomposes himself, says he sees what Undertaker is trying to, says the answer is no, and walks up the ramp.

Undertaker turns his back away from the ramp and says that Triple H knows he can’t do what Shawn Michaels also couldn’t do.  Undertaker says that Triple H knows that Shawn was always better than him.  Triple H takes off his suit and walks back down to the ring in a fury.  Triple H says it has nothing to do with Shawn and that he knows he can beat him.  The crowd actually chants “prove it.”  Triple H says “you want this?  You want Wrestlemania?  You want this all to come to an end?  You got it.”  He goes on to say that the streak ends and that the era ends.  Triple H wants the match in “Hell in a Cell.”  The Undertaker walks out to the Metallica song.  The song sounds as bad as I thought it would.  So it looks like the WWE has listened to the people and how they didn’t really care about Undertaker vs. Triple H this year.  So they decided to make it Hell in a Cell.  That sounds better than a normal match because we all know they will beat the hell out of each other.  I would have rather seen a different opponent, but I suppose the match will turn out to be okay now.  That promo also helped the angle tremendously.  I’m glad they didn’t drag it out any longer.  “Undertaker” and “Triple H” are trending on Twitter.

Daniel Bryan comes to the ring.  World Heavyweight champion!  World Heavyweight Champion!  yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.  He gets on the mic and says he’s still World Heavyweight Champion Yes Yes Yes!!

World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Santino Marella- Santino takes control with punches.  Bryan takes over with punches of his own.  Santino reverses a clothesline into a hip toss.  Santino pulls out the Cobra but he’s caught in the Lebell Lock.  Santino taps out.  Daniel Bryan celebrates by screaming yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!  As much as I love to see Daniel Bryan squash people, I would rather see him wrestle a full length match.  Did I mention that he’s facing CM Punk tomorrow night on a live Smackdown??!!  The promo actually airs once again right after the match.  In case you missed it above, here is my reaction to that news….OMG.  Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!

Kelly Kelly and Aksana vs. The Bella Twins- Seriously.  This is a match.  Kelly pulls Brie’s hair and makes her face bump.  She chokes her with her boot in the corner.  Both are heel moves Kelly.  Someone explain the difference to her please.  Aksana is tagged in.  Ugh.  She does  a body slam that is very awkward.  Not good.  Then she does a dance thing.  Not good.  Kelly accidentally distracts the referee and The Bella’s pull the switch-a-roo.  Nikki hits an X factor for the win.  Another 2 minute match.  I’m pretty sure all the matches combined tonight equal about 5 total minutes.  So much for the hot start to this show.  Hell in a Cell is the #1 trend worldwide on Twitter.  Aksana and #TwinMagic are also trending.

John Cena is in the ring.  Again.  No entrance music either.  He just appears after commercial.  He says he was interrupted earlier by the “skankapotimus.”  He says he wanted to talk about The Rock.  The fans chant “Rocky.”  Cena says he used to love that chant but then he merged from The Rock to just Dwayne.  He talks about The Rock’s entourage, how they write his jokes, and how they protect him.  He say’s he doesn’t respect The Rock at all.  Through all the comedy he has legitimate beef with The Rock for leaving.  He says next week The Rock will show up, raise an eyebrow, then go back to Hollywood.  He makes fun of The Rock’s movies and says 12 rounds should have went 3 rounds tops.  Cena says that he always shows up and has never left.  He says The Rock left as soon as he got a glimpse of Hollywood.  Then he came back last year, said he would never leave, then left again.  Cena says “Vince will probably fine me for this one” but The Rock only came back last year to promote Fast 5 and launch his Twitter account.  Cena says on April 9th, the week after Wrestlemania, Cena will be at Raw and The Rock will be sitting on a movie set laughing at his stunt double.  He throws the mic on the ground and leaves.  Wow.  Intensity.  A straight shoot.  And everything he said was true and correct.  Like it or not.  Tonight Cena owned Raw.

CM Punk walks to commentary.  With his official commentary jacket.  The same jacket he used to come out in when he was on commentary a few years ago while injured.  Punk says that his jacket is made out of camel fur.  I attempt to get #camelfur trending on Twitter.

#1 Contender for the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania Battle Royal- The Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes vs. R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Wade Barrett vs. The Great Khal vs. The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Santino Marella vs. Chris Jericho- I can’t believe this match is going to determine a MAIN EVENT MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA.  Ridiculous.  Dolph Ziggler is wrestling with a pink shirt around his waist.  All ten guys punch because that’s what happens in a battle royal.  They all turn their attention to Big Show.  They can’t get him over.  Then they all turn their focus to Great Khali.  They throw him out.  The Great Khali will not be getting a main event at Wrestlemania.  That’s too bad.  Is there a way we can guarantee that he doesn’t even get an appearance on the show?  Coming back from commercial break CM Punk cuts Michael Cole off and does the recap coming back to air.  That’s something Cole does after every commercial.  But Punk is a genius so he can do things like that.  More brawling inside the ring.  Has anyone else been eliminated?  I wouldn’t be shocked if they eliminated someone in a match for a MAIN EVENT AT WRESTLEMANIA in commercial break.  Miz is knocked to the apron and is double drop kicked out by Kofi and R-Truth.  Apparently they are the best tag team in the company.  After 1 match.  Big Show double chokeslams them.  Then comes a Code Breaker from Jericho.  Each man continues to do their finishers one by one until only Santino is standing.  Santino throws out Wade Barrett and R-Truth.  Seriously.  How do I comment on that?  Big Show picks up Ziggler and tosses him outside into the other guys.  His face bounces off the announce table.  Barrett seems to be injured.  He is legitimately dropping the F bomb enough for them to have to censor it.  Cole says that the doctors have been called.  Ziggler may also be injured.  Big Show definitely overshot that throw.  The week after Big Show injures Randy Orton with a concussion he does this.  Two more guys possibly injured.  One could be real bad.  Kingston jumps to the top rope and is pushed off and eliminated by Jericho.  Cole calls him Kofi Rhodes by accident and is made fun of by Punk.  EMT’s come to ringside to work on Barrett who is really injured.  Jerry Lawler thinks he has a broken arm.  Back in the ring Santino hits The Cobra on Jericho.  Rhodes clotheslines Santino over the top rope.  We are down to only Jericho, Big Show, and Rhodes.  Double suplex by Big Show.  He pie faces Rhodes over the top rope.  We are down to two.  Weapon of Mass Destruction by Big Show on Jericho.  Rhodes grabs his ankle from the outside.  Big Show pulls him up and pushes him back down again.  Big Show attempts a chokeslam on Jericho but Jericho hangs onto his head just like Chris Benoit did in the 2004 Royal Rumble to Big Show.  Cody Rhodes jumps up and pulls Big Show over.  Chris Jericho is the winner and the #1 contender for the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania.  Jericho vs. Punk is finally official.  CM Punk climbs into the ring.  He extends his hand to Chris Jericho, but Jericho leaves without shaking it.  That ends the show.  “Barrett and Ziggler” are trending on Twitter.  So is “Wade Barrett” and “Ziggler.”

Ugh.  Up and down show.  The wrestling was terrible.  And that’s all I really care about.  It’s the same problem as a few weeks ago.  All the main eventers were thrown into one match at the end.  Which means the rest of the show had to be filled with the likes of Aksana, Ezekial Jackson, and Santino Marella.  Wrestling needs to come first.  I don’t care if it’s the road to Wrestlemania, or the lead up show to an awful Capitol Punishment Pay Per View….wrestling needs to come first.  The storylines were decent tonight.  The Eve Torres thing off the top started with a bang.  Then it was all down hill from there.  It’s pretty sad that was the highlight of the show.  Again I missed Zack Ryder.  The way they are using The Miz and Dolph Ziggler is pathetic.  Daniel Bryan needs a 15 minute match every show.  CM Punk needs to wrestle every show.  Bring back Brodus Clay.  I’m sad that Wade Barrett went down tonight.  He was finally being pushed.  If his arm is broke it will surely cost him a Wrestlemania match.  Speaking of Wrstlemania, let’s look at where we stand right now:

The Rock vs. John Cena
Undertaker vs. Triple H
WWE Championship- CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
World Heavyweight Championship- Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
The Big Show vs. Shaquille O’Neal
Divas Championship- Beth Phoenix vs. Kharma
General Manager Match- Team Laurinaitis vs. Team Long
The rest is TBD.

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